SUPREME COURT OVERTURNS VAN HELSING V. DRACULA. A LAWYER FOR THE FAMOUS VAMPIRE ISSUED THE FOLLOWING STATEMENT: “AND YOU THOUGHT I WAS A BLOODSUCKER-YEESH!” . . . IN A CONTROVERSIAL RELIGIOUS DISPLAY SECRETARY OF WAR HEGSETH PRAYED FOR THE DESTRUCTION OF HIS ENEMIES. DEFENSE ANALYSTS SAY THAT DESPITE THE MEDIA ATTENTION GENERATED BY SUCH PUBLIC PERFORMANCES OF FAITH, FICTIONAL CHARACTERS DERIVED FROM ANCIENT RELIGIOUS TEXTS ARE NOT KNOWN FOR THEIR REAL WORLD COMBAT EFFECTIVENESS. ONE EXPERT OBSERVED, “GOD MAY OR MAY NOT BLESS ONE ARMY AND SMITE ANOTHER, BUT IT IS STILL FLESH AND BLOOD SOLDIERS WHO DO THE KILLING AND THE DYING.” . . . A NEW STUDY BY A PROMINENT PHILOSOPHICAL INSTITUTE HAS FOUND THAT A STARTLINGLY LARGE NUMBER OF PEOPLE CONSIDER PURSUING STOCISM WHILE STUCK ON THE DRIVE THRU LINE FOR TACO BELL. RESEARCHERS ADDITIONALLY FOUND THAT CANNIBIS WAS OFTEN A CONTRIBUTING FACTOR. HOWEVER, IN AN ALSO STARTLING TWIST, MANY WHO CONSIDERED STOICISM UNDER SUCH CIRCUMSTANCES TENDED TO LOSE THEIR PHILOSOPHICAL COMPOSURE ONCE THEY LEFT THE DRIVE THRU AND CAREENED WILDLY THROUGH THE STREETS AS THEY STUFFED THEIR FACES WHILE ATTEMPTING TO OPERATE A MOTOR VEHICLE AT HIGH SPEED . . .
