“WORST REMAKE OF RASHOMON EVER!” A GROWING CONSENSUS OF FILM CRITICS DISAPPROVES OF THE TRUMP ADMINISTRATION’S SHIFTING, CONTRADICTORY ACCOUNTS OF WHY IT HAS DECIDED TO WAGE WAR AGAINST IRAN. MEANWHILE, A GROWING NUMBER OF THEORY ADDLED ENGLISH DEPARTMENT ACADEMICS DESCRIBE IT AS A “HYPER-POST-MODERN MASTERPIECE FOR THE AGES” . . . IN RELATED NEWS, SECRETARY OF WAR HEGSETH HAS ORDERED COMBAT BOOTS TO BE RE-DESIGNATED AS “BATTLE FOOTSIES.” THIS DECISION HAS BEEN WIDELY PERCEIVED AS A SLIMY WAY TO DODGE QUESTIONS ABOUT WHETHER OR NOT THE TRUMP ADMINISTRATION PLANS ON PUTTING BOOTS ON THE GROUND IN IRAN . . . A GOVERNMENT HOTLINE DESIGNED TO ASSIST AMERICANS STRANDED IN THE EVER EXPANDING WAR ZONE OF THE MIDDLE EAST REQUIRED CALLERS TO LISTEN TO SEVERAL MINUTES OF ADS FOR TRUMP-BRANDED CRYPTO-COINS BEFORE PLAYING A PRE-RECORDED MESSAGE INSTRUCTING THE CALLER “NOT TO RELY ON THE GOVERNMENT.” THE HOTLINE HAS RECENTLY BEEN UPGRADED TO ALLOW STRANDED AMERICANS ACCESS TO BETTING MARKETS OFFERING ODDS ON WHETHER OR NOT THEY WILL ESCAPE THE REGIONAL CONFLAGRATION WITH THEIR LIVES . . . PRESIDENT TRUMP, IN A MOVE THAT IS SURE TO INSPIRE CONTROVERSY, HAS ORDERED SPECIAL FORCES TO INSTALL SECRETARY OF STATE MARCO RUBIO AS THE NEW AYATOLLAH OF CUBA. IT SHOULD BE NOTED THAT CUBA IS A LONGTIME COMMUNIST REGIME THAT DOES NOT PRACTICE ANY FORM OF THEOCRACY. WHEN ASKED TO EXPLAIN HIS DECISION, PRESIDENT TRUMP RESPONDED BY ORDERING SPECIAL FORCES TO RE-INSTALL RUSH LIMBAUGH AS THE KING OF TALK RADIO. WHEN TOLD THAT RUSH LIMBAUGH PASSED AWAY SOME TIME AGO, PRESIDENT TRUMP RESPONDED WITH A LONG, WINDING RAMBLE IN PRAISE OF THE MANY FLAVORS OF SNAPPLE . . .
