Welcome to Comic Book Shampoo!
You are sitting in your place of dwelling.
You have a long box filled with bagged'n'boarded comic books.
You think about a dilemma that has often occurred to you:
Are comic books meant to be read, or are they meant to be entombed within bags'n'boards so as to maintain them forever in a pristine untouched state?
You truly are conflicted. Part of you feels like taking the comic books outta their bags and boards to read them, every last one. Part of you fears sullying them with your gross germy fingers.
What's to be done?
If only there was a cleanliness product that could free you from your torturous dilemma . . .
Unfortunately, there is no such product. Water and soap only cause damage to paper products. Putting wet comics in a microwave or drying machine is not likely to reverse water damage. You suppose washing your hands and then thoroughly drying them before handling your comics is a solution-but what if you forget? What if, in your zeal to read your comics, you have not the patience to wash and dry your hands? Are not forgetfulness and zeal part of the human condition? If so, should we not be seeking a cure for such a condition?
Well, unfortunately, there is no cure, at present, for the human condition. However, it is possible to ease the symptoms . . . with Comic Book Shampoo!
Here's the program . . .
Take all of your comics out of their bags and boards. This is the Day of Liberation. Post about it on social media. Now, focus your thoughts on the concept of COMIC BOOK SHAMPOO. If your willpower is strong enough, you should begin to experience an aborning pressure inside your skull, right behind your eyeballs. Your agony shall be supreme. Go ahead, howl. In the fullness of time, a burning cream shall spurt forth from your tear ducts. Your agony shall continue unabated. However, a natural instinct shall guide you to aim your face at your liberated comics. Once you have soaked your comics in the burning cream bursting forth from your tear ducts, manually grab and squeeze and lather the freshly creamed comics into a kind of mulch. Now slather your body in this rich mulch of comics, burning cream, and willpower-made-manifest. Soon, you too will get to burning. Your howls shall become hysterical laughter. The stories shall merge with your body. You will experience unaided flight. You will feel as though you are crashing through a pane of glass. You will achieve Somatic Superposition. You will feel the anxiety and dizziness of true freedom.
Sensations should abate within twenty-five to thirty-five minutes.
No clean-up is required. Once sensations abate, users invariably find themselves with nary a trace of goo or comics.
Side effects include knowledge of True Power, heightened libido, and itchy scalp.
WARNING: USE COMIC BOOK SHAMPOO WITH ABANDON. YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE. GLORY IS FOREVER.
