Nostalgia for Black Friday Chaos Scenes-where you've got hordes of violent shoppers surging into a chain department store to fill the empty Void Within that is allegedly plugged by Jesus or Mother's Milk or a Second Robot Self Yearning to Burst Free of Meats'n'Juices Prison or various grinds and side hustles-spawns a boom in homebrew beltscroller beat'em ups which appropriate various figures of fantasy and pop culture as playable protagonists. The most venerable of these is a game called Oldboy'89 in which one or two players can battle as either Michael Keaton's Batman or as Choi Min-sik's Oh Dae-su. Solo or as a pair you must beat the shit out of wave after wave of crazed consumers, strolling and pummeling your way through twelve richly textured Zones of Enemy. However, the more ass you kick, the bigger the Boss Ass you'll have to battle at the end of each Zone. If you wish to unlock the True Ending, ye must kick Maximum Ass which will reveal a Secret Final Boss: the Gluteus Superposition, which is a laser light Meta-Ass which you must mercilessly pound into the great beyond for Victory's Sake. It's actually possible to unlock the Gluteus Superposition at any time in the game if the battle you give is fierce enough, even within the first Zone of Enemy. The earlier you break on through to Meta-Ass, the closer you are to becoming a Final Master of Oldboy'89 . . . which means a horde of Actual Consumer Maniacs recruited from real life Black Friday Chaos Scenes charging into the arcade in meatspace once the Glory Signal has been triggered by your achievement of Final Mastery. Prevail against these Maniacs in the meats and you will have the honor of receiving a very long roll of tickets which may be redeemable at the Gift Prize Counter for available products at participating locations. Truly, the products of Nostalgia are as varied and wondrous as are the Children of Madness who fight and die to obtain, cherish, and fetishize them within various Home Display Schemas.
BONUS: Sidereal Hustle: a side hustle that will make you a millionaire so long as you grind until the stars burn down into distant memories.
