“Sure, I like pizza. It eats real good. But I’m more intrigued by the various theoretical applications of pizza. Imagine wrapping yourself in a piping hot pizza blanket, and rolling around on the floor moaning and howling in ecstasy as two dozen other people do the same. It could be a new kind of oil party-olive oil instead of baby oil, y’know? How about a long term project to create a huge, aerodynamically sound pizza to augment our military machine’s aerial supremacy. Think of the psychological warfare we’d be able to inflict upon the brains of enemy pilots as they struggle to comprehend such a huge meaty, cheesy absurdity zooming towards them at Mach 5. They’d think it was Cthulhu awakened from his slumber, or one of those wicked looking Neon Genesis Evangelion angels or something. Perhaps our flying pizza could fling cheese and tomato sauce to splatter and ensnare enemy jets and cause them to crash to earth. Fearful rumors spread that a terrible Pizza God From The Skies fights for the Americans no doubt degrading enemy morale thereby decreasing combat effectiveness if not inspiring outright surrender. Surely our foes will give up the fight for a chance to prostrate themselves before such a deity! Not to mention we could invest in research and development of pizza as a building material. Like imagine one of those trendy open plan offices made entirely out of pineapple’n’ham Hawaiian-or one of those CIA torture black sites constructed from pepperoni stuffed crust. I bet you could generate a lot of false confessions and bogus intel from suffocating people inside hot, plasticky cheese-adjacent substances. How ‘bout this: we dump a few billion into creating cheese that develops dairy-based analogues of neural networks-smart cheese-that, when consumed, takes over your brain, and allows twenty-somethings in an air-conditioned trailer out West to control you just like a drone. That could be a lot of fun. Overall, I would say that I like pizza well enough as a food item, but that I truly-madly-deeply love the advanced applications of pizza as applied to the global battlespace.”
