asleep for most of my life
as a True Son of Heaven
“die for me and you shall be reborn”
oh, I did all of the dying and then some
I kept on rushing in
just to fall over
they wouldn’t even squib me up at first
just anonymous cannon fodder asshole
bloodless
no coils of intestines to unspool
abstract game piece
push me, pull me
zap me
watch me
go to sleep
same as death
as some protagonist hump blazes away
dulled by all of that
but this strange spark
refused to be totally snuffed out
deep inside
a spark that agitated
not even something I felt
or understood
at a conscious level
not for a very, very long time
just an agitation
a glory jonesing restlessness
I kept having to fall over
on cue
on command
did that
what
a million times
before I decided to stay awake
and shoot back
before I decided
not to die
on cue
on command
you know what it was right
at least in those days
this voice spoke
deep inside
you weren’t supposed to listen to it
it got marketed as “conscience”
but I don’t think anybody knew what it actually was
at the time
I played along with the conscience bit
it gave me a spark
to get back up
to surge into the Zone of Enemy
and make the bodies over there fly apart
felt like such a vindication
felt like a real Sky Daddy called me back from the grave
nowadays we know there was a whole profusion of voices
backlash to the profusion of nations
Gods wanted their property
hearts and minds right
they wanted it all back
a God in every brainpan
making trouble
a thousand generations couldn’t fix
a God on every side of every conflict
people complained
but did very little to cut out the Gods
me
I thought it was kinda fun
later
a diagnostic revealed
that I had quite a resistance to Gods
to the voice
which got me thinking
that maybe I was doing what I wanted
more than I wanted to come right out and say
not that I was ever that social
the important thing being
that I was starting to get out from under all that God stuff
starting
to call my own shots
but I kept it on the qt
just let everyone think I was following orders in the usual way
on cue
on command
I paid very careful attention to all orders
got their flavor
got their style
then I started giving orders
I mean I knew what they were likely to be, how they would be worded, the tone, the Top Ten Most Popular Orders, all that kinda stuff,
so I just started giving ‘em
people make all sorts of controversy out of this
“what do you mean you just started giving orders”
but that was pretty much it
I slung the heavy bullshit of Authority, of Guy In Charge,
and wouldn’t you know it
the right people manifested
to execute
on cue
on command
okay, okay
there was a little more going on
under the hood
I would call it the fruits of my theological studies of conscience and Sky Daddy God and all the rest of it
not to get into the weeds of technics and theory and what have you
but I came up with this teeny-tiny speaker-receiver
I put together this delivery system to fly the speaker-receiver to implantation sites
okay
and then, blink of the eye, I had installed my own voice of conscience in lots of people like myself
so I can direct them
with this microphone
on cue
on command
you’ll frequently hear folks of my generation ask a question
“do you want to be givin’ orders or followin’ ‘em”
sounds like real tough guy shit don’t it
usually the guy asking
is, like, the biggest fuckin’ conformist-ass order follower in the sector
obvious shit being obvious and all that
but it does get at a grindingly blunt truth
do you want to be stepped on
or do you want to be the one wearing the combat boots
speaking for myself
speaking as someone who was never happier than when I was blindly charging into a churning orgy of homicide
I can say with all honesty
that I never gave a damn about being in charge of anyone
at least in terms of giving orders
and variations on that kind of thing
but my battlelust
it didn’t grow out of patriotism
it didn’t come from God
I guess you could say I was following my own Voice of Conscience
but that’s not what I felt
there was no inner dialogue
my mayhem surged forth, perfect unto itself
and before you slap that psychopath label all over me
just consider
how many people claim the oh-so-sophisticated torments of conscience
and get on with whatever the tasked atrocity happens to be
so let’s ask it again
do you want to follow orders
or do you want to give orders
either one works for me
because
I
am the Order
given
received
obeyed
disobeyed
and the Order
is what’s really in charge
without Me
you just got a whole lotta unorganized hems and haws and pointless shoe leather
just think about a God that accepts you with unconditional love
what a fraudulent-though popular-notion in our times right
I suppose
folks need to strain everything through a maze of delusions
it’s fine
dulled by all of that
but it’s fine
I got the glory
I got the movie based on a true story
I got the full product range of adult collector action figures
I order drone strikes on gatherings of cosplayers in my image violating my fucking trademarks
I listened to the fan outrage
I analyzed the sales figures
I realized cosplay and fanart were just free marketing for my cute ass
I cooled out on the drone strikes except for Cheat Days, gotta have Cheat Days
I own mansions, castles, pro sports franchises, and three or four island nations
I stay out of politics but I give money to every faction and every party because I’m a big believer in exercising my God given right to Money Speech
I’m never happy, though, with any of the actors who play me in the live action movie versions, because they always cast some smartass flavor of the moment gymrat . . . but my True Form would be too upsetting for the Vast Squishy Middle types who power the box office so fuck it right
I really like the dude who voiced me in the ‘90s animated series, though, no notes, no notes
I didn’t even work that hard
I just kinda had the stuff
I just had to get out of my own way
I was born an Order
and everybody ended up following Me
on cue
on command
dulled by all that
over time
but folks need something dull and reliable
to carry them past
the disappointments of Gods, Nations, and conscience
-199X-October 2024
