F.A.Q. #21:

Q: William, what is best in life?

A: Playing Super Nintendo.

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #208:

CLEANUP EFFORTS STILL UNDERWAY FROM COAST TO COAST AFTER NATION WIDE VOMIT WAVE UNLEASHED BY THE RELEASE OF THE “BAWDY” EPSTEIN BIRTHDAY BOOK. IN A RELATED STORY, TRUMP IS SEEKING TO NATIONALIZE PIXAR TO PRODUCE A FEATURE LENGTH ANIMATED FILM OF THE EPSTEIN BIRTHDAY BOOK . . .

YOUR DRAWING PROMPT #78:

A sapient microchip infused with genetically-modified coelacanth DNA that orders only the most spectacularly sugary milkshake-esque coffee-adjacent beverage at the chain coffee shop for breakfast and lunch, followed by a sensible dinner.

FANTASY MASHUP FORCE #17:

Die Hard in a grain of sand . . .

THE NEW SIGNAGE #22:

MADDENING LOOP OF YESTERYEAR’S TOP 40 HITS NEXT 10,000 MILES.

THE SECRETS OF FINAL TOWN 74

SIMPLE PLEASURES #15:

Reading the Event Horizon novelization while listening to the Hausu OST.

THE NEW OBVIOUS #40:

Trump truly loved his friend Epstein. He loved him so much he drew him a custom birthday card. And now the entire public has seen this magical card. 

Now you know what caused that nationwide tidal wave of vomit this week.

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #207:

“IT’S ACTUALLY QUITE COZY.” IN A NEW INTERVIEW, TRUMP BESTIE EPSTEIN CLAIMS SPIRITUAL HELLFIRE DOESN’T CAUSE ANY PAIN IF YOU DON’T HAVE A CONSCIENCE.

YOUR DRAWING PROMPT #77:

A county-sized tire fire.

THE NEW SIGNAGE #21:

MADDENING GAME OF I SPY NEXT 10,000 MILES.

FANTASY MASHUP FORCE #16:

Charles Bronson vs. the Garbage Pail Kids . . .

THE SECRETS OF FINAL TOWN 73

THE NEW OBVIOUS #39:

When someone claims they’ve undergone “ego death” they inevitably become twice as self-important as they were when their ego was alive.

Presumably, the id is now in charge.

And don’t even ask about the super-ego. 

This is basically what happens to the monster in an episode of Power Rangers.

At first, the monster is roughly human sized. And then it gets defeated, it explodes, and then it comes back really big to get defeated again by the Megazords. 

So, whether you realize it or not, you may have grown up witnessing ego deaths on TV.

The ego gets whacked, and now the id of self-aggrandizement has been loosed upon the world.

It’s how it goes.

Have your titanic fighting machines ready to inflict the “id death” to complete the cycle . . .

SIMPLE PLEASURES #14:

That moment you stop looking for cryptids, and you become the cryptid.

PRECIPITOUS UPTICK IN YOUR PHOTOBOMBING ACTIVITIES . . .

LOADING SCREEN WISDOM #41:

ONCE YOU DEFEAT GOD CONSIDER SPARING HIS LIFE. HE MAKES FOR AN OKAY SUMMONS ATTACK IF YOU TRAIN HIM UP PROPER DURING NEW GAME+.

BURNING QUESTIONS IN A UNIVERSE OF MYSTERY #90:

Do I need to actually watch the movie, or can I just stare at the poster for a long time and imagine my own version of the film inside my head?

THE NEW OBVIOUS #38:

Everyone is now walking around with their faces pointed down into screens.

All ages, all professions-no one’s watching where they’re going.

Someone could decide to go about with a club, whacking people on the head, robbing all of their shit, and no one would be able to provide a description of the attacker.

It’s amusing that things have come to this point.

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #206:

NEW POLLING INDICATES MOST AMERICANS OKAY WITH LIVING IN A FAILED STATE RULED BY DELUSIONAL, INCOMPETENT OLIGARCHS SO LONG AS THEY DON’T HAVE TO FEEL EMOTIONS.

NEW MERCH #5:

SPECIAL EDITION PHYSICAL MEDIA

Two Disc DVD.

All plastic components of case and discs sourced from certified Tyrannosaurus Rex bones.

Director’s commentary featuring life changing philosophical discourse from one of our finest living filmmakers.

Feature length behind the scenes making of documentary detailing the triumphs, tribulations, scandals, deaths, births, house warmings, guerilla warfare, high speed pursuits, fiery car crashes, tantalizing cryptid sightings, unexplained phenomena, ominous signs, propitious portents, and all sorts of things infinitely more interesting than the movie itself which was really just a too too precious attempt to make this generation’s widely praised people talking kind of movie-like Scenes From A Marriage or something like that.

So many deleted scenes that you could edit them into a new movie far superior to the actual movie you’re supposed to watch.

Coupons for pizza and energy drinks.

A sense of belonging.

Collectible packaging.

MAY NOT INCLUDE ACTUAL FILM.

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #205:

NEW SCIENTIFIC FINDINGS CAST DOUBT ON WHETHER MAGIC TEETH COME FROM FOREVER.

FANTASY MASHUP FORCE #15:

Take the music videos for Fatboy Slim’s “Right Here, Right Now” and Pearl Jam’s “Do the Evolution” and switch the songs around . . .

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #204:

CUTOUT CHEATING CRISIS ROCKS WORLD POCKET POOL CHAMPIONSHIPS.

THE SECRETS OF FINAL TOWN 72

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #203:

“I LIKE THE SHINY STUFF.” LAVISH, USELESS TRINKETS PROVOKE PRESIDENTIAL CORRUPTION CRISIS.

EMERGENCE #4:

. . . at some point in the far future, you are superdead and ultragone-

But somehow you’re also looking back on the multiple lifetimes you conned and carved out of what you thought-at the time-was your one meager physical existence.

I just had that one existence, you think to yourself. Barely that. But I got major return on investment, didn’t I?

You laugh-you can’t really laugh-but you do your own version of laughing, and then you try to shut that down. You think you should be a lot more serious about things. But then you’re doing your version of laughing again. You think maybe you should just give yourself over to laughing, because then you’ll stop. Everyone knows the harder you try to clamp it down the longer you’ll be laughing. So just let it play itself out . . . but then you’re doing your own version of laughing for a very, very, very long time. It gets to be a problem for you. And you go right on laughing. Even longer, across vast stretches of time that, back in your primes, would’ve been considered unseemly stagnations of world-historical human endeavor-

But you do stop. 

You do get back to being serious.

You have no choice, not like you would have wanted, because at this far future point on the timeline you ended up being the final author of things, didn’t you?

All laughed out, you decided to focus all of your mental power on backing things up to a point on the timeline where you felt you had more of a choice about things-where there was more of a sense of adventure, and beckoning horizons, and discoveries lying in wait like statues inside rocks . . .

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #202:

ADVICE/LIFESTYLE COLUMN: AS A SHANIA TWAIN, I RECENTLY REJECTED A MAN WHO IDENTIFIED HIMSELF AS A BRAD PITT. I WASN’T IMPRESSED AT THE TIME, BUT NOW I WONDER: WAS I TOO HARSH?

MANDATORY RULE #17:

All TV shows-whether they be scripted or unscripted, fictional or non-fictional-must include an episode depicting a freeze-in-place beam of some kind. This entails an elaborately designed person-portable raygun that, when fired, causes the target to freeze in place with a minimum of special effects and camera tricks. The target stops moving, locked into a pose evoking mid-movement. The target holds this pose until hit with an anti-freeze-in-place beam or the freeze-in-place beam raygun that has affected the target has been destroyed. There are no exceptions to this rule.

This I command!

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #201:

REPUBLICANS ADVANCE BILL REQUIRING FETUSES TO PROVIDE EITHER PROOF OF CURRENT EMPLOYMENT OR PROOF OF ACTIVE JOB-SEEKING BEFORE BEING ALLOWED TO MISCARRY.

F.A.Q. #20:

Q: Do you think 69 should be replaced by 79?

A: No.

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #200:

NEW LAW REQUIRES ALL PEOPLE WHO MERELY SCAN HEADLINES TO BE CHARGED THE SAME FEES AS REGULAR SUBSCRIBERS.

YOUR DRAWING PROMPT #76:

Pyramidal parameters.

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #199:

“SOMETIMES, YOU HAVE TO LET THE ONE YOU LOVE THE MOST GO FREE.” IN A SEARING NEW INTERVIEW, THE HELLFIRE SHROUDED GHOST OF EPSTEIN TALKS ABOUT THE PAIN OF WATCHING HIS FORMER WINGMAN DONALD TRUMP MAKE BESTIES WITH VLADIMIR PUTIN.

GHOSTS COMPLAIN . . . (#3)

. . . when they realize they’re dead and therefore will never enjoy earthly pleasures ever again, and then they complain when they come back from the dead and realize they gotta deal with things like job, toilet paper, dusting, doomscrolling, Climate Inferno, pain-in-the-ass friends who resent their recent absence, ever evolving youth slang that they don’t have the patience to track, endless sequelizations of yesteryear’s pop culture franchises, the housing affordability crisis, the price of eggs, AI hallucinations spreading catastrophic disinformation, the erosion of democracy, creeping autocracy, rising water lines . . .

People complain.

Even as they’re back from the dead . . .

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #198:

NEW POLLING INDICATES MOST AMERICANS FINE WITH A NEWLY EMERGENT PANDEMIC PATHOGEN OR A RADICAL RESURGENCE OF OLD FAVORITES LIKE MEASLES OR TUBERCULOSIS IF IT MEANS THEY DON’T HAVE TO GET BACK UP.

FANTASY MASHUP FORCE #14:

A Starship Troopers fan made music video cut to the theme song from Bugsnax.

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #197:

“I AM NOT ONE OF YOUR CHEAP SATURDAY NIGHT PICKUPS, DONALD!” PUTIN DEMANDS TRUMP BREAK UP WITH BESTIE EPSTEIN-CURRENTLY BURNING IN HELL-BEFORE HE AGREES TO MURDEROUSLY STEAL MORE LAND FROM THE PEOPLE OF UKRAINE.

THE SECRETS OF FINAL TOWN 71

 

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #196:

ADVICE/LIFESTYLE COLUMN: I RECENTLY REVEALED MYSELF TO BE BRAD PITT TO SHANIA TWAIN. SHE WASN’T IMPRESSED. HOW DO I MOVE ON FROM THIS HEARTBREAK?

EMERGENCE #3:

. . . you find a book.

You read its table of contents. It strikes you as familiar.

You’re reminded of the time you wrote a book based on a loose table of contents that had fallen out of an old paperback book.

You do some research. 

You realize that this book you’ve come across was written the same way and around the same time you wrote your book extrapolated from a rogue table of contents.

In fact, this other book was published slightly earlier than your book-it reached shelves about two months before yours did.

Moreover, no one seems to have noticed that your book and this other book were written as extrapolations from the table of contents pages of other books.

You feel a certain frustration that you and your endeavors are not as unique as you once thought . . . but then you feel amusement that you and this other author seem to be members of a secret club of two.

And then you wonder if there could be others . . .

And then you wonder if you should seek each other out . . .

It could be amusing to do so . . .

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #195:

REEKING PILE OF DOGSHIT TIRED OF BEING MISIDENTIFIED AS U.S. CONGRESS.

THE NEW DREAM #46:

In the New Dream

I’m burning in agony

Could be fever, could be the fires of hell or Climate Inferno, it could be that I’m just stuck in the middle of my signature transformation sequence

I’m burning, I’m screaming, I’m all out-of-sorts

It’s all kinds of fucked-up

I’m super into it, I guess, I’m really trying to martyr myself for the role

Like Harvey Keitel in Bad Lieutenant

Something like that

High above me

There’s this magnificent chimerical amalgamation

Of all of the bogus authority figures

President, General, Admiral, Commander, Creative Writing Teacher, Work Supervisor, the All-Seeing Eye of Big Brother, Uniformed Police Asset, Pastor, Priest, the guy beating the drums to keep the oarsmen in time from Ben-Hur, Acting Coach, Online Wellness Griftfluencer, Monolithic Pop Star, Big Brother’s perpetually clogged toilet known as Big Shitter, Conspiracy Podgrifter, Mother, Father, my shadow self with the truly baroque sword-gun and the decadent Final Fantasy villain hairstyle

All of the bullshitters all-in-one

This amalgamated whatsit says to me

As I’m burning

It says to me

“You’re fine. Quit feeling sorry for yourself.”

I say, “Help me! I’m burning! I’m in pain!”

“Well, you’re just lying there feeling sorry for yourself.”

“I’m burning! Help!”

“You gotta help yourself. You gotta make your bed. It’s all in your head.”

“ARRRRGGGGHHH!!!”

I spontaneously combust

I go nova, to put it bluntly

Before, I was burning

Now, all is burning

It’s pretty cool

The best part is when the Chimerical Amalgamated Bogus Authority Whatsit comes crashing down out of the sky

Real big explosion

Cities blown away

Impressive miniature work

Actual pyro

Just little dibs and dabs of computer graphics here and there, you don’t even notice it unless you go frame by frame

A class act

But the Amalgamated Authoritarian’s still alive

Alive, and burning

At the bottom of what appears to be the Crater of All Cities

The Great Amalgamation

The Chimera of Chimeras

Cries out

To me,

“Help us! We’re burning! There’s such pain! It’s burning us! Help!”

I start to move my mouth

I know exactly what I’m about to say

The words long written down,

It’s all in your head

Stop feeling sorry for yourselves

Make your fucking beds

Lots of howling and incoherent gibbering

The sound design on this thing is killer, dude

From out of the cacophony

Bits and pieces get some coherency around ‘em

“Didn’t I bless you . . . didn’t I change your diaper . . . didn’t I give you an achievement structure . . . didn’t I make all that hamburger helper . . . didn’t I get you those balloons for your birthday . . . didn’t I give you a mission . . . didn’t I give you a source of pride . . . didn’t I bandage your knee . . . didn’t I give you a Christmas bonus . . . didn’t I put a gun in your hand . . . didn’t I teach you three act structure . . . didn’t I show you who to kill . . . didn’t I teach you long division . . . didn’t I give you the final boss battle of all times . . . didn’t I bomb all those civilian populations overseas . . .”

Good points, all worth considering

So I do that thing

I consider ‘em

And then I call down, like, ALL of the lightning

Every hair on my body stands tall

There’s a full-on cookout down in the Crater of All Cities

In the End

It’s all revealed to be a stealth pilot for my caustic celebrity chef persona reality series

Kitchen Obliterator

It goes for, like, fifty fucking seasons, dude

I make all of the money forever

Don’t ask me to explain why

People just go for this mean TV chef thing

I don’t question it

I just spend the money

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #194:

“I THOUGHT I WAS YOUR BEST FRIEND, DONALD.” TRUMP FRUSTRATED THAT ALL PUTIN WANTED TO TALK ABOUT AT ALASKA MEETING WAS EPSTEIN.

THE NEW OBVIOUS #37:

Measles is back in the U.S.A., baby!

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #193:

NEW LAW REQUIRES ALL PEDESTRIANS TO BE ABLE TO TRANSFORM INTO TALKING CARS BY 2035.

YOUR DRAWING PROMPT #75:

A bald philosopher tries to sell you a non-functional baldness cure.

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #192:

COMMENTARY: THE DOLLAR GENERAL MAY FIGHT THE RETAIL BATTLES, BUT IT’S THE DOLLAR SARGEANTS WHO WIN THE RETAIL WAR.

FUN YOU CAN HAVE #13:

Start a podcast in which every episode is exactly sixty-nine minutes of total silence. Your audience sits there, maybe a little mystified, maybe a little frustrated, and then it hits them: The true podcast lies inside my own mind!

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #191:

UNBREACHED DATA BREACHES ITSELF DUE TO FOMO.

THE NEW SIGNAGE #20:

CAUTION: ROADS MAY CEASE TO EXIST NEXT 10,000 MILES . . . OR NOT. THEY MIGHT DECIDE TO DOUBLE EXIST. LET’S JUST SAY THINGS MIGHT GET A LITTLE IMPROVISATIONAL NEXT 10,000 MILES . . .

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #190:

COSTUME SHOP ON THE VERGE OF CIVIL WAR AS GROUCHO MUSTACHES DECLARE BREAKAWAY REPUBLIC.

THE SECRETS OF FINAL TOWN 70

 

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #189:

HOMEBREW ATOMICS CLUB PETITIONS SUPREME COURT TO EXPAND SECOND AMENDMENT PROTECTIONS TO GUARANTEE THE INDIVIDUAL CITIZEN’S RIGHT TO CREATE, STOCKPILE, AND USE NUCLEAR WEAPONS.

EMERGENCE #2:

. . . you find a single sheet of paper printed front and back with the table of contents for a book . . .

. . . oh, this must’ve gotten loose from some old paperback.

You decide to write your own version of the book, extrapolated from this fugitive table of contents . . .

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #188:

INTERVIEW EXCLUSIVE: THE BURNING GHOST OF EPSTEIN CONFIRMS THAT HELL IS ONE BIG GOLF RESORT.

F.A.Q. #19:

Q: What do you most fear?

A: Being animated by rejected objects.

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #187:

CONSUMER ALERT BULLETIN: AMERICAN MADE GAS-GUZZLING PICKUP TRUCKS FOUND TO EXACERBATE ENLARGED PROSTATES, MICROPENIS, AND ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION . . . WHIMSICALLY HAUNTED ASSAULT RIFLES AT INCREASED RISK OF TRANSMUTING BULLETS INTO NERF MISSILES . . . DUE TO A RARE PROGRAMMING GLITCH SOVIET DVDS MANUFACTURED IN AN ALTERNATE TIMELINE FOUND TO CHAPTER SKIP VIEWER . . .

FANTASY MASHUP FORCE #13:

Kakihara

the dude with the needles from Ichi the Killer

is a guest

on Dr. Phil’s tv show

not because there’s anything wrong with Kakihara

not at all

in fact

Kakihara

ends up fixing

Dr. Phil

You could call it

the Next Level

of Appointment Television

if you like

MONDAY'S THRESHOLD #7:

You had it all figured out.

You had your life down to your apartment, your job at the box factory, and the walk between the two.

And then one night, on your way home from the box factory, you were attacked by the Serpent of the Two Burdens . . .

1.Main Title/Akira Ifukube (Battle in Outer Space OST)

2. Coppelia no Hitsugi/Ali Project (Noir OST)

3. Necronomicon/Les Baxter (The Dunwich Horror OST)

4. Gats/Susumu Hirasawa (Berserk OST)

5. Fury/Francis Monkman (The Long Good Friday OST)

6. Arrivals-Main Title/Jerry Goldsmith (Extreme Prejudice OST)

7. War Erupts/Edwin Montgomery (Wasteland OST)

8. Motorcade/Michael Gibbs (Hard-Boiled OST)

9. Etorofu/Kenji Kawai (Innocence OST)

10. Fear/Susumu Hirasawa (Berserk OST)

11. Boatyard Battle/Michael Gibbs (Hard-Boiled OST)

12. Thin Red Paste/Edwin Montgomery (Wasteland OST)

13. Body Count/Michael Gibbs (Hard-Boiled OST)

14. AK-97/Edwin Montgomery (Wasteland OST)

15. Corridor Creeping/Michael Gibbs (Hard-Boiled OST)

16. Monster/Susumu Hirasawa (Berserk OST)

17. Hospital Inferno/Michael Gibbs (Hard-Boiled OST)

18. Boss Battle 2/Yasunori Mitsuda (Chrono Trigger OST)

19. Forces/Susumu Hirasawa (Berserk OST)

20. The Ballade of Puppets: The Ghost Awaits in the World Beyond/Kenji Kawai (Innocence OST)

21. Behelit/Susumu Hirasawa (Berserk OST)

22. Apocalypse/Kenji Kawai (Apocalypse: World War 2 OST)

23. Earth/Susumu Hirasawa (Berserk OST)

24. Heart of Madness/Kodomo Band (Fist of the North Star Movie OST)

25. Substitute Invasion/Shiro Sagisu (The End of Evangelion OST)

26. Murder/Susumu Hirasawa (Berserk OST)

27. Mystery’s Apotheosis/Fabio Frizzi (City of the Living Dead OST)

28. Rise From the Ashes End Titles/Masakazu Sugimori (Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney OST)

. . . in the end, you found yourself at the bottom of a crater in extreme pain, and convinced that victory was indistinguishable from defeat.

Your pain was so intense that it blotted out all other sensations . . . even itself.

Numb to your very numbness, you crawled for days until you escaped the crater.

Things got blurry. Your memories from this time are all busted.

In the hospital, things got sharp. 

Your feelings return . . . especially the pain. But there are painkillers in the hospital. 

Not much to do but catch up on the news . . . which is pretty much all bad. Your battle with the Serpent of the Two Burdens got way out of hand. No more city. No more box factory. No more apartment. You get paranoid about people blaming you or trying to arrest you, but no one seems to realize that you were the one who fought the Serpent with such ferocity. You decide to keep it all to yourself.

You get better. It takes years. But you’re fixed up like new. Maybe even better.

As you walk out of the hospital you think to yourself,

Actually, my victory is distinguishable from defeat.

Soon enough you find a new job, a new apartment, and a walk between them . . .

SIDE OVER.

TO BE CONTINUED . . .

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #186:

NEW RESEARCH OUT TODAY INDICATES A CLEAR MAJORITY OF PEOPLE INTERESTED IN DINOSAURS ALSO SECRETLY WISH TO BECOME POWER RANGERS.

YOUR DRAWING PROMPT #74:

The oil slick of 10,000,000,000 passions.

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #185:

GROWING TREND OF PEOPLE PREFERRING COMPACT DISCS OVER VINYL RECORDS IS ON TRACK TO BE DISPLACED BY NOSTALGIA FOR VINYL RECORDS WHICH IS PREDICTED TO BE DISPLACED BY NOSTALGIA FOR CASSETTE TAPES WHICH IS FORECAST TO BE DISPLACED BY NOSTALGIA FOR 8-TRACK TAPES WHICH MARKET ANALYSTS DETERMINE WILL BE DISPLACED BY A COMEBACK FOR COMPACT DISCS WHICH AI PROGNOSTICS INDICATE WILL LIKELY BE DISPLACED BY A RETURN TO COLLECTING VINYL RECORDS UNTIL UNCONTROLLED GLOBAL WARMING SUFFOCATES ALL POTENTIAL CONSUMERS.

SPECULATIVE WEAPONS DIVISION #2:

LITTER DEMORALIZATION SCHEME

This is an experimental weapon system designed to demoralize the enemy. It involves conspicuous littering that must be done in an aggressive manner. Basically you illegally throw your trash away in view of other people but you must do it with a devil may care attitude that gives the impression that you really-truly-deeply do not give a fuck. 

Such action on your part may trigger aggressive responses from witnesses that may even include physical interdiction and assault on your person. You must be prepared to stand your ground if you are attacked. If necessary, you may, at times, have no choice but to execute a tactical retreat, but you must never admit fault, rhetorically back down, or apologize for littering. 

If you do back down or apologize this will make you appear weak and it will de-emphasize the action of heartless littering, and in actuality it will make witnesses think that you are merely careless as opposed to heartless. Carelessness may inspire wrath but usually it also inspires the thoughts that you are just a slob, possibly an asshole of the most trifling kind. 

This is not the desired effect. 

If you do not have the will to fight then you are perhaps not suited to the litter demoralization scheme. Reassignment may be necessary. 

This is not capricious stricture. 

Theatrical heartlessness is key to the demoralization aspect of this weapon system. You should be dressed to the nines. You should be carrying yourself with runway arrogance. You’re staring people in the eyes. You’re stalking up to your target and hurling bags of garbage at them with the style and panache of a martial arts movie star. 

As litter demoralization agents fan out across the land, the enemy population begins to perceive that their fellow citizens have totally given up on trash cans and recycling bins and even landfills. Everywhere is the landfill, now, so why keep on fighting?

Some may object to the idea that this assortment of actions constitutes a weapon or weapons or weapon system. We will leave the finer details of such inquiries to the philosophers of war and the metaphysicians of weaponry. 

We feel secure in categorizing this complex of behaviors as a weapon system. Controversy always attends innovation. Profound innovation necessarily incurs profound controversy. Profound controversy necessitates furious dialectic. We do not shy away from such contests. Sometimes you must win a war to be able to fight a war.

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #184:

“HE’S LARGER IN SIZE, MORE AFFLUENT, TERMINALLY ONLINE, AND LEADS A SEDENTARY, POST-HUNTER-GATHERER LIFESTYLE.” CONTROVERSY IN THE WORLD OF PALEOCONSERVATIVE STUDIES AS NEW RESEARCH INDICATES THAT DR. PHIL MAY BE THE EVOLUTIONARY DESCENDENT OF G. GORDON LIDDY.

THE NEW DREAM #45:

The Hungry Howie’s moves out

The Little Caesar’s moves in

I’m stuck where I’ve always been

The Little Caesar’s moves out

The Hungry Howie’s moves in

I’m convinced there’s a sinister plot, don’t ask me why, my Columbo Senses are tingling

Hungry Howie’s moves out bumping into Little Caesar’s as it’s just a little too eager to move in

I point and shout and jump up and down while pointing and shouting and jumping up and down

Hungry Howie’s and Little Caesar’s start swapping in and out of the strip mall location at warp speed

Empires rise and fall but it’s fine

Hungry Howie’s occasionally thinks it’s Little Caesar’s and Little Caesar’s occasionally thinks it’s Hungry Howie’s but it’s fine

I point and shout and jump up and down but it’s fine

Something breaks

A Domino’s has spontaneously manifested, displacing the Hungry Howie’s and Little Caesar’s

I point/shout/jump-up-and-down

There’s a swirl of ghostly Hungry Howie’s and Little Caesar’s crashing into and battling with each other in the heavily potholed, soiled diaper strewn parking lot

The Domino’s abides for 10,000 years

All traces of all physical structures crumble to dust, blow away on the wind

The ghostly Domino’s endures, a memory with no need of any mind to remember it

My mind is long gone

Only my point/shout/jump-up-and-down endures

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #183:

J.D. VANCE’S EPSTEIN STRATEGY MEETING ATTENDED BY A DISCONCERTINGLY LARGE NUMBER OF HUMAN-COUCH HYBRIDS.

THE SECRETS OF FINAL TOWN 69

 

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #182:

“YOU GONNA NEED TO LIVE WITH A JOB, DIE WITH A JOB, BE BURIED WITH A JOB, AND BE REBORN ALREADY GAINFULLY EMPLOYED IF YOU WANT TO LIVE IN THIS COUNTRY!” CONGRESSIONAL REPUBLICANS MOVING FORWARD WITH WORK REQUIREMENTS FOR HEALTHCARE, DEATH, BURIAL, AFTERLIFE, REINCARNATION, QUIJA BOARD ACCESS, AND BEYOND.

EMERGENCE #1:

The table of contents is two pages, the front and back of a single sheet . . . but the book is old, hasn’t been cared for, and so this single sheet comes loose . . .

. . . so you use it for a bookmark as you read the book.

This bookmark is also a mobile table of contents. 

Just don’t let it get away from its book . . .

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #181:

EPSTEIN ESCAPES FROM HELL DURING OIL RIG EXPLOSION; TRUMP HAPPY TO REUNITE WITH BESTIE, FULL PARDON IN THE WORKS FOR BOTH EPSTEIN AND MAXWELL.

FANTASY MASHUP FORCE #12:

Hardcore

+

Game of Death II

=

George C. Scott becomes increasingly agitated in a movie theater as he watches a movie in which the first half hour consists of an all-too-obvious Bruce Lee impersonator keeping his back to the camera. And then the obvious impersonator faces the camera and he’s obviously an impersonator. Scott’s anguish peaks during the part where actual footage of Bruce Lee’s funeral plays.

“TURN IT OFF!!”

Things get even stranger as the evil of the world fractures space and time causing stock footage of Scott to invade the frame. Now, Scott’s past movie selves from Dr. Strangelove, Patton, The New Centurions, The Day of the Dolphin, The Hindenburg, and They Might Be Giants all challenge Hardcore Scott to a lethal battle gauntlet. The Final Boss is future stock footage of Scott from The Exorcist III.

Eventually, the audience rebels, burns down the theater, and furiously cheers while jumping up and down.

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #180:

QUESTIONS SWIRL AROUND RECENT APPEARANCES BY JEFFREY EPSTEIN-WHO LOOKS TO BE DRESSED HEAD TO TOE IN ETERNAL HELLFIRE-IN PRESIDENT TRUMP’S DREAMS OF LATE. “IT’S ALMOST LIKE TRUMP’S COMPULSIVE LYING AND DESTRUCTIVE EXECUTIVE ORDERS ARE MEANT TO KEEP HIM FROM THINKING ABOUT THE FATE OF HIS BEST FRIEND AND WINGMAN,” STATED AN ANONYMOUS SOURCE CLOSE TO THE MATTER.

F.A.Q. #18:

Q: What do you fear most?

A: Being rejected by inanimate objects.

YOUR DRAWING PROMPT #73:

A remake of Easy Rider starring Kamen Rider.

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #179:

“WON’T YOU JOIN ME FOR OLD TIMES’ SAKES?” TRUMP TOUTS BOGUS TRADE DEALS TO BLOT OUT THE SEPULCHRAL VOICE OF FORMER BESTIE EPSTEIN AS IT CALLS TO HIM FROM THE INFERNAL ABYSS.

LOADING SCREEN WISDOM #40:

SEEK YE THE LOST CONVEYOR BELT OF SERVICE MERCHANDISE.

BURNING QUESTIONS IN A UNIVERSE OF MYSTERY #89:

What do I do if I run out of questions?

I guess I should stock up, right?

But what if I prefer to live in the moment and not worry about the future?

Maybe I should cultivate a little question farm, so I could grow my own, eh?

But what if question farming activities end up becoming a chore by consuming all my free time?

Or, alternatively, question farming ends up being the only thing I enjoy thereby displacing all other concerns and activities?

What if I ask so many questions I end up asking everybody else’s questions-what then?

Would people resent my greed or hail me as a hero?

What if I became a Question Tyrant and cruelly oppressed all other Questioners?

What if I became so obsessed with attaining Supreme Question Power that I even started competing with myself to the point where I ordered my secret police to throw me into a hellish torture dungeon even as I ordered the executions of those same secret police goons for committing treason against me?

What if things got really out of hand?

Would getting a stress squeeze ball help me deal with shit?

Would getting two stress squeeze balls-one for each hand-double up my relaxation?

What if I installed extra hands attached to extra arms so I could squeeze a dozen or more stress squeeze balls?

Is there credible science behind the presumed benefits of a stress squeeze ball or is the medical-therapeutic terrain contested?

Maybe a high stress lifestyle works for me, keeps me sharp, keeps me grinding, why would I want to dull my edge?

What if, in the end, the stress squeeze balls are the true enemy?

What if, after the end, I am defeated and displaced by the stress squeeze balls?

What if, as a new beginning, the stress squeeze balls start squeezing me-and would that mean we’ve gone Full Soviet Russia?

What then . . .?!

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #178:

HOME MEDIA HYPE REPORT: UNCUT EPSTEIN JAIL TAPE TO BE RELEASED ON 4K UHD BY CRITERION IN TIME FOR CHRISTMAS. SPECIAL FEATURES ALLEGEDLY INCLUDE ALTERNATE ‘ALIEN AUTOPSY’ CUT; AN ALL-STAR COMMENTARY TRACK FEATURING BILL CLINTON, KEVIN SPACEY, NOAM CHOMSKY, AND DONALD TRUMP; A VIDEO ESSAY BY ONE OF JOE ROGAN’S UNPAID INTERNS; AND A SCALE BOOKLET REPRODUCTION OF BAWDY BIRTHDAY LETTERS LAVISHLY ILLUSTRATED BY DONALD TRUMP.

THINGS NEVER SAID #45:

“My major influences are 1990s Buttafuoco Joke Letterman combined with Serious Evening Political Commentary Show Rebrand Grodin with a consciousness of Fortress Y2K Mentality. When combined I call my personal aesthetic Apocalyptic Neo-Buttafuoco.”

SIMPLE PLEASURES #13:

Reading a 1990s Shadowrun novel while listening to the Shadowrun SNES OST.

THE NEW OBVIOUS #36:

Trump sure is determined to nag and browbeat people into believing that he was never close friends with Epstein . . .

MANDATORY RULE #16:

All TV shows-whether they be scripted or unscripted, fictional or non-fictional-must include an episode dealing with a plant monster of some kind.

Huge, elaborate creatures incorporating animatronics, puppetry, and pyrotechnics are encouraged, but an actor in a cheap monster suit is minimally acceptable if that’s all a given production can afford.

This I command!

YOUR DRAWING PROMPT #72:

Clipped coupons in revolt.

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #177:

“MAYBE DONALD COULD PLAY SHUFFLE BALL OR SOMETHING. MAYBE BINGO.” GOLF DISTANCES ITSELF FROM EPSTEIN BESTIE TRUMP AS THE POPULAR SPORT’S REPUTATION SUFFERS BY ASSOCIATION WITH THE CORRUPTION, CRIMINALITY, AND INCOMPETENCE OF THE U.S. GOVERNMENT.

THINGS NEVER SAID #44:

“Most people have a bowel movement. I launch a squelchy blast of logs. Forgive me for stating the obvious, but . . . my way is clearly superior.”

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #176:

NEW POLLING INDICATES GROWING NOSTALGIA FOR A PAST ERA IN WHICH IT WAS OKAY TO LIVE IN THE PRESENT MOMENT.

THE NEW OBVIOUS #35:

It’s hard to do things. With stuff. On account of the effort involved.

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #175:

UPTICK IN BILLIONAIRE-ON-BILLIONAIRE VIOLENCE AS SOUTH PARK SATIRIZES EPSTEIN INTIMATE TRUMP.

THE SECRETS OF FINAL TOWN 68

 

SPECULATIVE WEAPONS DIVISION #1:

LOW-BUDGET DRACULA METAMORPHOSIS BEAM

When you zap the enemy with this person-portable raygun your target will immediately transform into a low-budget Dracula in a poor quality seasonal pop-up store costume complete with pancake makeup and unconvincing fangs.

Once the target has been Dracula-ized you may then splash them with tap water which they will conveniently believe to be holy water. Puffs of magician smoke will be released from gags pre-positioned inside their costume, and they will writhe and howl and generally overact as though being burned by blessed fluids as per popular vampire lore. At some point, they will fall on their back, at which juncture you may drive a stake through their heart. 

Once staked, your Dracula-ized target will spurt red corn syrup from their wound, and then crumble to dust in a creative, if not entirely convincing, special effects sequence mostly accomplished through edits but the last bit with the fanged vampire skull rapidly disintegrating into bone dust is somewhat memorable.

If you have completely run out of conventional munitions and bayonets then Low-Budget Dracula Metamorphosis Beam may offer an acceptable solution to your emergent combat needs.

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #174:

NEW POLLING INDICATES WAVE OF NOSTALGIA FOR LETTERMAN’S 1990s ERA BUTTAFUOCO JOKES.

F.A.Q. #17:

Q: What is your favorite martial arts movie?

A: Beach of the War Gods.

YOUR DRAWING PROMPT #71:

A true friend in the depths of Hell.

DON'T BLAME ME . . . (#7)

. . . for failing the stealth mission. Those mobs of adoring fans are, like, totally emergent. I keep telling ‘em to stay home when I’m out on a sneak-a-deak, but they can’t help themselves. And it’s not their fault. I’ve struggled for years with being diagnosed as irresistible. ‘Tis a cruel fate.

THE NEW OBVIOUS #34:

Trump and Epstein sure liked to party . . .

THE SECRETS OF FINAL TOWN 67

 

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #173:

NEW TRUMP TARIFF POLICY ANNOUNCEMENT CONSISTS OF HIM FANNING HIS LIPS WITH HIS FINGER TO MAKE GIBBERISH NOISES. TOP ECONOMISTS SAY THIS IS A MARKED IMPROVEMENT UPON PREVIOUS FAILURES BY TRUMP TO STRIKE NEW TRADE DEALS EVEN IF IT IS SHORT ON ACTIONABLE SPECIFICS. HOWEVER, SOME HEALTH EXPERTS HAVE EXPRESSED CONCERNS OVER WHETHER OR NOT THE PRESIDENT WAS USING A RON DESANTIS STYLE “FUDGE FINGER” DURING THE ANNOUNCEMENT . . . 

FANTASY MASHUP FORCE #11:

Darth Vader as a giallo villain.

F.A.Q. #16:

Q: Which video game should be adapted as a disappointing big budget movie?

A: Metal Slug. I would recommend Sylvester Stallone for director. He could apply the same bullet-riddled style he used for the fourth Rambo flick which always gave me Contra vibes but could be tweaked into Metal Slug territory with a little effort.

YOUR DRAWING PROMPT #70:

Taking a multivitamin so you can manage a multifamily property.

THEME MUSIC FOR EVERYTHING #31:

Theme of Realizing YOU are the Most Special: Overture by Miklos Rozsa (El Cid OST)

You could be alone or in a crowd.

You could be spending wholesome time with family or painting the town red with friends.

You could be at work or at play.

You might be waking up in your bed or rising from your grave.

You could be stuck in bumperlock traffic or large and in charge of the cockpit of a commercial plane.

You could be at your most unmasked or buried so deep under theatrics that you barely remember your own name.

You could be luxuriating in feast or suffering famine.

You could be waging a forever war or maintaining the most fragile peace.

But once you hear this music . . . well . . . there’s this blazing certainty that ignites inside your chest.

Maybe you should’ve gone easy on your weekend hot dog eating contest action.

Maybe you’re about to spontaneously combust. 

But maybe, just maybe . . . you’re just manifesting your solar self, your imperial self, your most consequential self.

Before, you were eating hot dogs in the hope that you could get so large that the sun never sets on you.

Now, you are the Sun Itself.

The music lets you know for sure.

Otherwise, you might think you’re just having a Starbucks Basic psychotic break with reality. 

The music is helpful this way.

THE NEW OBVIOUS #33:

The Trump tariff letters are both stupid and embarrassing.

THE SECRETS OF FINAL TOWN 66

 

FRESH (HELL) TRANSLATIONS #4:

A fan re-dub of Air Force One that changes Harrison Ford’s signature one-liner from “Get off my plane” to “Get off my lawn.”

That’s the only detectable change.

Though there are rumors online that there’s a version that also swaps out Jerry Goldsmith’s score for Danny Elfman’s score from Pee-Wee’s Big Adventure, but this is unconfirmed as of this writing.

GHOSTS COMPLAIN . . . (#2)

. . . when you don’t Ouija board with them on the regular, and then they’re super passive-aggressive towards you when you finally do get in touch.

Ghosts complain.

THE NEW SIGNAGE #19:

FEELING LIKE YOU NEED TO URINATE NEXT 10,000 MILES.

YOUR DRAWING PROMPT #69:

A pack of cigarettes branded with an illustration of a pack of wolves.

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #172:

UNITED STATES OF AMERICA REBRANDS AS A FAILED TRUMP CASINO . . . THEOLOGIANS DISCOVER FIFTH HORSEMAN OF THE APOCALYPSE KNOWN AS ‘THE GAMBLER’ . . . “I’M AFTER THAT SENSE OF EARNED ACHIEVEMENT, MY DUDE” CLIMATE INFERNO, IN A REVEALING PODGRIFT INTERVIEW WHILE DOSED WITH A SLAMMING MIX OF KETAMINE AND AYAHUASCA, EXPRESSES DISAPPOINTMENT THAT HUMANITY MAKES IT TOO DAMN EASY TO LIGHT IT ALL ON FIRE . . .

FANTASY MASHUP FORCE #10:

PDA = Public Display of Affection

+

BDA = Battle Damage Assessment

=

PDBDA = Public Display of Battle Damage Affection

. . . militarized dating trends having a moment . . . ?

THE SECRETS OF FINAL TOWN 65

 

THE NEW SIGNAGE #18:

RULE-OF-LAW OPTIONAL NEXT 10,000 MILES.

LOADING SCREEN WISDOM #39:

ONLY MONDAY’S MASTER CAN RESIST THE POWER OF THE AMNESIA DOGS.

BURNING QUESTIONS IN A UNIVERSE OF MYSTERY #88:

Big Brother is watching . . . but does he understand what he sees? What’s his level of media literacy? When was he last subjected to a certification ordeal? Is there, indeed, an all-seeing eye at the heart of the Tootsie Roll Pop, or a mere roach turd? Where’s a scholarly cartoon owl when you really need one?

MONDAY'S THRESHOLD #6:

“This Heat Dome is a killer. How’re we supposed to cool off?”

“Hmmm . . . we’re in it, aren’t we?”

“Christ . . . we should just move inside a freezer.”

“Hmmm . . . we could do that . . .”

“Too bad we’re completely busted.”

“ . . . livin’ in a freezer . . . even if we could afford it . . . we’d be bored after awhile . . .”

“Being bored beats spontaneously combusting.”

“ . . . a fair point . . . but shouldn’t life be about . . . I dunno . . . having fun . . .”

“Some go crazy from the heat.”

“ . . . yeah . . .”

“They make it work for them.”

“ . . . sure . . .”

“Promise me something.”

“. . . hmm . . .”

“If I spontaneously combust . . . make sure you get a video of it.”

“ . . . “

“And you post it online. For all to see. That’ll be my legacy.”

“ . . . “

“You hear me?”

“ . . . yeah . . .”

“Okay, then.”

“ . . . no . . . “

“What’s that?”

“No . . . I don’t think I’ll take that video . . .”

“What? Why not?”

“You . . . are mired in pessimism . . . that’s what you are . . .”

“Excuse me?”

“And you’re snippy from the heat . . . “

“I’m snippy?! What do you-”

“You’re not gonna spontaneously combust.”

“How do you know?!”

“I know because I know where we can go to cool off.”

“Oh yeah? And where’s that?”

“Pack your shit. We’re going back.”

“Going back where?!”

“Back to Hell.”

“Back to-what?! You can’t be serious!”

“You want to cool off or what?”

“Oh, great . . .”

“Down in Hell . . . we’ll beat this lousy Heat Dome . . .”

1.Dungeon Theme/Yoshio Hirai (Star Tropics NES OST)

2. Jungle Work/Warren Zevon

3. Briefing Theme/Nobuyuki Shioda and Yusuke Takahama (G.I. Joe: A Real American Hero NES OST)

4. Mission 01 Jungle Base/Nobuyuki Shioda and Yusuke Takahama (G.I. Joe: A Real American Hero NES OST)

5. Mini Boss Babalu Defense Mechanism/Hidenori Maezawa and Yuichi Sakakura (Super C NES OST)

6. Cutscene Theme 01/Dota Ando (Wurm: Journey to the Center of the Earth NES OST)

7. Stage Theme/Toru Hasabe and Minky Motoyama (Rambo NES OST)

8. Boss Battle/Takeshi Tateishi (Mega Man 2 NES OST)

9. Title Theme/Nobuyuki Shioda and Yusuke Takahama (G.I. Joe: A Real American Hero NES OST)

10. Dead or Alive/Kenichiro Fukui (Lethal Enforcers SNES OST)

11. Napalm Man Stage/Mari Yamaguchi (Mega Man 5 NES OST)

12. Sharp Dressed Man/ZZ Top

13. Desert Planet/Njal Pettersen (Super Star Path OST)

14. Smart Patrol+Mr. DNA/Devo

15. Heat Man Stage/Takeshi Tateishi (Mega Man 2 NES OST)

16. Boss Theme Corneria and Meteor/Hajime Hirasawa (Starfox SNES OST)

17. Debbie (U-Tern Instrumental Remix)/ Architecture in Helsinki remixed by U-Tern

18. Battle B2/Ryota Kazuka (Shin Megami Tensei IV OST)

19. Get New Weapon/Takeshi Tateishi (Mega Man 2 NES OST)

20. Title Theme/Dota Ando (Wurm: Journey to the Center of the Earth NES OST)

21. Carson City/Hiroyuki Iwatsuki and Haruo Ohashi (Wild Guns SNES OST)

22. Boss/Hiroyuki Iwatsuki and Haruo Ohashi (Wild Guns SNES OST)

23. Cave and Dungeon Theme/Masaharu Iwata (Might and Magic Book One NES OST)

24. Cutscene Theme 02/Dota Ando (Wurm: Journey to the Center of the Earth NES OST)

25. Comfort Eagle/Cake

26. More, More, More/Andrea True Connection

27. Steal My Sunshine/Len

28. Circus (Klungo Remix)/Britney Spears

29. Cutscene Theme 03/Dota Ando (Wurm: Journey to the Center of the Earth NES OST)

30. Final Fight (Part One)/Hiroyuki Iwatsuki and Haruo Ohashi (Wild Guns SNES OST)

31. Destroy Everything You Touch/Ladytron

32. Final Fight (Part Two)/Hiroyuki Iwatsuki and Haruo Ohashi (Wild Guns SNES OST)

33. Dead or Alive/Kenichiro Fukui (Lethal Enforcers SEGA CD OST)

34. Stayin’ Alive (Vaporwave)/Bee Gees

35. Cutscene Theme 04/Dota Ando (Wurm: Journey to the Center of the Earth NES OST)

36. Nighttime in the Switching Yard/Warren Zevon

37. Kraken of the Sea/Keiichi Suzuki and Hirokazu Tanaka (EarthBound SNES OST)

38. Where There’s A Whip There’s A Way! (Orc’s Song) /Glenn Yarbrough and Maury Laws (Rankin-Bass’s Return of the King OST)

39. Accretion Disc/Hayato Matsuo (Ogre Battle SNES OST)

40. Battle/Michael Nyman (Enemy Zero OST)

41. “I Love the Sound of Structured Class”/The Paranoid Style

42. I’m Coming Back/The Human League

43. Wily Machine/Yu Shimoda (Mega Man 9 OST)

44. Kagayaku Ouja Dolgiran/Harry Kimura (Space Sheriff Gavan OST)

45. Dungeon Theme (MinjoJinjo Remix)/Yoshio Hirai remixed by MinjoJinjo (Startropics NES OST)

46. Full Moon/2 Tite (Murder Party OST)

47. Darkside/Crazy Town

48. Cave Theme/Koichi Sugiyama (Dragon Warrior NES OST)

49. Don’t Worry If There’s Hell Below We’re All Gonna Go/Curtis Mayfield

50. Cave Theme 02/Koichi Sugiyama (Dragon Warrior NES OST)

51. Hell/Squirrel Nut Zippers

52. Cave Theme 03/Koichi Sugiyama (Dragon Warrior NES OST)

53. The Number of the Beast/Iron Maiden

54. Cave Theme 04/Koichi Sugiyama (Dragon Warrior NES OST)

55. Hell is For Children/Pat Benatar

56. Cave Theme 05/Koichi Sugiyama (Dragon Warrior NES OST)

57. Hell/James Brown

58. Cave Theme 06/Koichi Sugiyama (Dragon Warrior NES OST)

59. Destroying Anything/Negativland

60. Cave Theme 07/Koichi Sugiyama (Dragon Warrior NES OST)

61. Two Minutes to Midnight/Iron Maiden

62. Cave Theme 08/Koichi Sugiyama (Dragon Warrior NES OST)

63. My Thang/James Brown

64. Cutscene Theme 05/Dota Ando (Wurm: Journey to the Center of the Earth NES OST)

65. The Astral Plane/Masaharu Iwata (Might and Magic Book One NES OST)

66. Mirror Man/The Human League

67. Sheltem’s Theme/Masaharu Iwata (Might and Magic Book One NES OST)

68. Mystery’s Apotheosis/Fabio Frizzi (City of the Living Dead OST)

69. Star Tropics Dungeon/Cave Theme on Violin and Keyboard/Animalisa Keys cover version of Yoshio Hirai’s composition (Audio from YouTube video uploaded by Animalisa Keys)

 . . . back from Hell . . . crackling with arcane power gained from defeating armies of devils and demons and angels . . . you plot your next set of conquests . . . you picture the fall of all the major cities and military installations . . . your desire is endless . . . your ambition Olympian-

-a weight comes upon your foot. 

You look down.

A brindle pitbull sits at attention on top of your foot, looking up into your eyes, its whole body vibrating with the anticipation of pets and scratchies.

“Go on,” you say, “I’ve got a world to conquer, mutt, so you move on off my foot.”

“Brrwoowoo!” says the dog.

“I’m sure you’re a good dog. But I’m not here to make friends with you. I’m . . . I gotta . . . uh . . . I mean . . .”

It’s the damnedest thing.

Just a moment ago . . . you were sure you had something important to do.

But now . . .

You kneel down to knead the pitbull’s flank. It jumps up on you, licks your face, and now all you know is this dog and all the walkies, pets, and scratchies you’re gonna give it.

And treats! Don’t forget the treats!

Deep inside your brain . . . something howls . . . but it’s nothing important . . .

Right now the dog is your Everything.

SIDE OVER. 

TO BE CONTINUED . . .

YOUR DRAWING PROMPT #68:

A pack of wolves sharing a pack of cigarettes.

THE NEW DREAM #44:

-n the New Dream I’m the President

I kinda always suspected that

I didn’t have any proof, though, so

I’m in this impressively art directed command and control center 

-it’s very Ken Adam-

deep underground

IMAX sized telescreens giving me total perspective on globally scaled fucknesses

wars, climate catastrophe, storms, earthquakes, volcanoes, plagues, famines, network cop shows, alien autopsies, edited for television versions of R-rated movies

I’m trying to maintain a stoic mask of authority

but every time they say fairy godmother in the censored version of Reservoir Dogs

well

I’m waging a one-man War-On-All-Of-The-Tears, ain’t I

a general approaches

“Mr. President.”

I say, “You rang?”

“Mr. President. The situation is critical. We’re beyond Dialectics. We’re well past Quixote. We’re at Multicart. You must give the order, Mr. President!”

I nod grimly. I put some steel into my voice as I say, ”Unleash Fraternity, Liberty, Equality.”

-hard cut to me standing in the unemployment line.

I have only myself to blame.

Nobody elected me to establish Paradise on Earth. That would be driving a stake into the heart of the Protestant Grind Ethic. Which would result in Final Relaxation. Can’t have that. 

-hard cut to me standing tall amidst the fires of Climate Inferno.

My meats alchemize into piercingly bright diamond hard surfaces. 

A giant mechanical claw grabs me, installs me in the back of the throat of a titanic robot dragon.

The robot dragon is offered at a reasonable price point for the adult collector’s market at all major retailers.

I can’t complain.

Literally-

F.A.Q. #15:

Q: What is your favorite horror movie?

A: If you’re forcing me to pick just one, then I guess I would choose The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. The original from 1974. I like it because the killers in it have what you could call a “perverse conservation ethic” which is ironically contrasted against a lawful normie society that runs on an unsustainable consumer system of factory farms, fossil fuels, militarism, and a corrupt and incompetent police state. Leatherface even seems to conserve the souls of his victims by wearing their skins. So, as horrible as they are, Leatherface and his kin do have a system of values that challenges the normie world they are fundamentally at war with . . . and that’s interesting to me. Because the movie didn’t necessarily have to apply itself to such an extent. But it did. And I appreciate that level of effort. I really do.

THE NEW OBVIOUS #32:

If you have nuclear weapons . . . and there is someone in your neighborhood who doesn’t have nuclear weapons but wants to get some . . . and then you-who has nuclear weapons-tries to tell your neighbor that they are not allowed to have nuclear weapons . . . well . . . you-the one with nuclear weapons-have a major credibility issue when trying to boss your neighbor around. 

Something to keep in mind.

DON'T BLAME ME . . . (#6)

. . . for drinking Snapple. Rush Limbaugh told me to drink it. Who am I to question a direct order given by an attention seeking multi-millionaire?

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #171:

“GET IT AWAY FROM ME. GET IT OUT OF MY FACE. I DON’T WANT IT.” TRASH CAN REFUSES TO ACCEPT HEGSETH DUE TO “EXTREME SQUICK RESPONSE” TRIGGERED BY THE SECRETARY OF DEFENSE’S DISPLAYS OF “EGREGIOUS INCOMPETENCE AND DISHONESTY.”

THE SECRETS OF FINAL TOWN 64

 

. . . TWO WORDS . . .

 . . . SIGH OPS . . .

. . . this is when government propaganda gets, like, super passive aggressive. 

Uncle Sam isn’t pointing at you with a penetrating glower. He’s walking away from you while throwing a sad glance over his shoulder. He’s just leaving the decision up to you. That’s freedom, right?

Lady Liberty’s holding her torch sideways, arms folded, yawning, tapping her foot, and rolling her eyes. She got all dressed up for this, but that’s fine. Have fun doing what you’re doing.

Lincoln’s slouched down in that big chair, scratching his balls, while watching sports at maximum volume on his mobile device, no discernible emotion on his face. No outbursts of frustration or exultation. Just some farts here and there.  

The flags all keep flying themselves sideways. Not upside down, just sideways. That’s all. Just something for you to think about.

Honestly, you would rather they just send the goon squad after you than put up with this bullshit.

FANTASY MASHUP FORCE #9:

What’s Michael?

vs.

Toonces the Driving Cat

you know you want it . . .

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #170:

“NOT IN MY NAME, SLIMEBALL!” GOD-PREVIOUSLY NOTABLE FOR HIS NONEXISTENCE-COMES INTO BEING TO DENOUNCE SALES OF TRUMP BRANDED BIBLES.

THE NEW OBVIOUS #31:

If you drop bombs on a country you are, in fact, bombing that country.

YOUR DRAWING PROMPT #67:

Regrets and recriminations of the post-church service parking lot.

FUN YOU CAN HAVE #12:

If you’ve been engaged in pure, unadulterated avarice aided and abetted by a corrupt government that’s in your pocket, then why not dress down, take a walk on the wild side, and try some of that street level not-so-pure, adulterated avarice. It might get good to you.

MANDATORY RULE #15:

All video games must play the audio of the guy saying, “Resident Evil,” in a creepy voice whenever you start.

This I command!

THE SECRETS OF FINAL TOWN 63

 

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #169:

COMMENTARY: POLITICAL TURMOIL OFFERS RARE OPPORTUNITY FOR THIRD PARTY KEN BONE/RENT-IS-TOO-DAMN-HIGH-GUY PRESIDENTIAL TICKET.

FANTASY MASHUP FORCE #8:

“Gavan Dynamic!”

+

Death Star ’77 explosion

=

A very good time in the Enchanted Land of Mashups

THINGS NEVER SAID #43:

“It’s always best to rub banana pudding all over a crashing economy. This won’t fix the economy, but it will provide you with an activity to distract you from disastrous circumstances. Never get caught without activities of some kind to hand.”

YOUR DRAWING PROMPT #66:

Love seat patents from the Age of Chastity.

THE NEW OBVIOUS #30:

It’s too bad you can’t recycle a king. Too many toxic components. You’ll just have to settle for tossing him into the landfill next to the vast panorama of billions of burst diapers, a legion of blue Chevettes with permanently stuck driver’s side doors, vistas of coverless paperbacks of Trump: The Art of the Deal, and a mountain range of a trillion plastic water bottles. It’s how it goes. 

In any case, the king’ll have plenty of activities to keep him busy.

The king can order up an army of plastic bottles to conquer the Chevettes. 

The king can bestow special honors and ranks upon the best and brightest of the burst diapers.

The king can schedule a private screening of Francis Ford Coppola’s Megalopolis or Kevin Feige’s The Marvels or Warner’s Joker: Folie a Deux.

And when that Climate Inferno heat dome manifests, the king can host a spontaneous human combustion themed performing arts festival by booking scores of unemployed theatre and studio art majors as the talent.

Pity not the king in his landfill.

He’s having a thoroughly okay time of it.

THE NEW SIGNAGE #17:

SPEED UP. AMBIENT EXISTENTIAL DREAD NEXT 10,000 MILES. FINES DOUBLED FOR ANY HINT OF RELAXATION.

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #168:

CELEBRITY CRYPTO SPOKESMAN REBRANDS AS POVERTY PORN COSPLAYER.

THE SECRETS OF FINAL TOWN 62

 

DON'T BLAME ME . . . (#5)

. . . for drinking Snapple. Howard Stern told me to drink it. Who am I to question a direct order given by an attention seeking multi-millionaire?

SIMPLE PLEASURES #12:

Taking time to appreciate the canine who accepts you uncritically for who you are no matter how many of your fellow humans despise you to the point of seeking your complete and total destruction.

THINGS NEVER SAID #42:

“I’m a firm believer that life should be about activities.”

YOUR DRAWING PROMPT #65:

A U.S. President indistinguishable from a career criminal.

THE NEW OBVIOUS #29:

You don’t want drug addict Nazi tech bros in your government.

Would you let such people into your house?

No.

You wouldn’t.

Not the people you want to associate with at all.

FANTASY MASHUP FORCE #7:

A

remake

of Eat, Pray, Love

written/directed by

and starring

Mola Ram

the heart-ripping villain from Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom

because that guy seems to be living his best life

with joy and abandon

and I want to know his secret

or

at the least

a few hints and tips

maybe even a life hack or two

you know?