THE NEW OBVIOUS #34:

Trump and Epstein sure liked to party . . .

THE SECRETS OF FINAL TOWN 67

 

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #173:

NEW TRUMP TARIFF POLICY ANNOUNCEMENT CONSISTS OF HIM FANNING HIS LIPS WITH HIS FINGER TO MAKE GIBBERISH NOISES. TOP ECONOMISTS SAY THIS IS A MARKED IMPROVEMENT UPON PREVIOUS FAILURES BY TRUMP TO STRIKE NEW TRADE DEALS EVEN IF IT IS SHORT ON ACTIONABLE SPECIFICS. HOWEVER, SOME HEALTH EXPERTS HAVE EXPRESSED CONCERNS OVER WHETHER OR NOT THE PRESIDENT WAS USING A RON DESANTIS STYLE “FUDGE FINGER” DURING THE ANNOUNCEMENT . . . 

FANTASY MASHUP FORCE #11:

Darth Vader as a giallo villain.

F.A.Q. #16:

Q: Which video game should be adapted as a disappointing big budget movie?

A: Metal Slug. I would recommend Sylvester Stallone for director. He could apply the same bullet-riddled style he used for the fourth Rambo flick which always gave me Contra vibes but could be tweaked into Metal Slug territory with a little effort.

YOUR DRAWING PROMPT #70:

Taking a multivitamin so you can manage a multifamily property.

THEME MUSIC FOR EVERYTHING #31:

Theme of Realizing YOU are the Most Special: Overture by Miklos Rozsa (El Cid OST)

You could be alone or in a crowd.

You could be spending wholesome time with family or painting the town red with friends.

You could be at work or at play.

You might be waking up in your bed or rising from your grave.

You could be stuck in bumperlock traffic or large and in charge of the cockpit of a commercial plane.

You could be at your most unmasked or buried so deep under theatrics that you barely remember your own name.

You could be luxuriating in feast or suffering famine.

You could be waging a forever war or maintaining the most fragile peace.

But once you hear this music . . . well . . . there’s this blazing certainty that ignites inside your chest.

Maybe you should’ve gone easy on your weekend hot dog eating contest action.

Maybe you’re about to spontaneously combust. 

But maybe, just maybe . . . you’re just manifesting your solar self, your imperial self, your most consequential self.

Before, you were eating hot dogs in the hope that you could get so large that the sun never sets on you.

Now, you are the Sun Itself.

The music lets you know for sure.

Otherwise, you might think you’re just having a Starbucks Basic psychotic break with reality. 

The music is helpful this way.

THE NEW OBVIOUS #33:

The Trump tariff letters are both stupid and embarrassing.

THE SECRETS OF FINAL TOWN 66

 

FRESH (HELL) TRANSLATIONS #4:

A fan re-dub of Air Force One that changes Harrison Ford’s signature one-liner from “Get off my plane” to “Get off my lawn.”

That’s the only detectable change.

Though there are rumors online that there’s a version that also swaps out Jerry Goldsmith’s score for Danny Elfman’s score from Pee-Wee’s Big Adventure, but this is unconfirmed as of this writing.

GHOSTS COMPLAIN . . . (#2)

. . . when you don’t Ouija board with them on the regular, and then they’re super passive-aggressive towards you when you finally do get in touch.

Ghosts complain.

THE NEW SIGNAGE #19:

FEELING LIKE YOU NEED TO URINATE NEXT 10,000 MILES.

YOUR DRAWING PROMPT #69:

A pack of cigarettes branded with an illustration of a pack of wolves.

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #172:

UNITED STATES OF AMERICA REBRANDS AS A FAILED TRUMP CASINO . . . THEOLOGIANS DISCOVER FIFTH HORSEMAN OF THE APOCALYPSE KNOWN AS ‘THE GAMBLER’ . . . “I’M AFTER THAT SENSE OF EARNED ACHIEVEMENT, MY DUDE” CLIMATE INFERNO, IN A REVEALING PODGRIFT INTERVIEW WHILE DOSED WITH A SLAMMING MIX OF KETAMINE AND AYAHUASCA, EXPRESSES DISAPPOINTMENT THAT HUMANITY MAKES IT TOO DAMN EASY TO LIGHT IT ALL ON FIRE . . .

FANTASY MASHUP FORCE #10:

PDA = Public Display of Affection

+

BDA = Battle Damage Assessment

=

PDBDA = Public Display of Battle Damage Affection

. . . militarized dating trends having a moment . . . ?

THE SECRETS OF FINAL TOWN 65

 

THE NEW SIGNAGE #18:

RULE-OF-LAW OPTIONAL NEXT 10,000 MILES.

LOADING SCREEN WISDOM #39:

ONLY MONDAY’S MASTER CAN RESIST THE POWER OF THE AMNESIA DOGS.

BURNING QUESTIONS IN A UNIVERSE OF MYSTERY #88:

Big Brother is watching . . . but does he understand what he sees? What’s his level of media literacy? When was he last subjected to a certification ordeal? Is there, indeed, an all-seeing eye at the heart of the Tootsie Roll Pop, or a mere roach turd? Where’s a scholarly cartoon owl when you really need one?

MONDAY'S THRESHOLD #6:

“This Heat Dome is a killer. How’re we supposed to cool off?”

“Hmmm . . . we’re in it, aren’t we?”

“Christ . . . we should just move inside a freezer.”

“Hmmm . . . we could do that . . .”

“Too bad we’re completely busted.”

“ . . . livin’ in a freezer . . . even if we could afford it . . . we’d be bored after awhile . . .”

“Being bored beats spontaneously combusting.”

“ . . . a fair point . . . but shouldn’t life be about . . . I dunno . . . having fun . . .”

“Some go crazy from the heat.”

“ . . . yeah . . .”

“They make it work for them.”

“ . . . sure . . .”

“Promise me something.”

“. . . hmm . . .”

“If I spontaneously combust . . . make sure you get a video of it.”

“ . . . “

“And you post it online. For all to see. That’ll be my legacy.”

“ . . . “

“You hear me?”

“ . . . yeah . . .”

“Okay, then.”

“ . . . no . . . “

“What’s that?”

“No . . . I don’t think I’ll take that video . . .”

“What? Why not?”

“You . . . are mired in pessimism . . . that’s what you are . . .”

“Excuse me?”

“And you’re snippy from the heat . . . “

“I’m snippy?! What do you-”

“You’re not gonna spontaneously combust.”

“How do you know?!”

“I know because I know where we can go to cool off.”

“Oh yeah? And where’s that?”

“Pack your shit. We’re going back.”

“Going back where?!”

“Back to Hell.”

“Back to-what?! You can’t be serious!”

“You want to cool off or what?”

“Oh, great . . .”

“Down in Hell . . . we’ll beat this lousy Heat Dome . . .”

1.Dungeon Theme/Yoshio Hirai (Star Tropics NES OST)

2. Jungle Work/Warren Zevon

3. Briefing Theme/Nobuyuki Shioda and Yusuke Takahama (G.I. Joe: A Real American Hero NES OST)

4. Mission 01 Jungle Base/Nobuyuki Shioda and Yusuke Takahama (G.I. Joe: A Real American Hero NES OST)

5. Mini Boss Babalu Defense Mechanism/Hidenori Maezawa and Yuichi Sakakura (Super C NES OST)

6. Cutscene Theme 01/Dota Ando (Wurm: Journey to the Center of the Earth NES OST)

7. Stage Theme/Toru Hasabe and Minky Motoyama (Rambo NES OST)

8. Boss Battle/Takeshi Tateishi (Mega Man 2 NES OST)

9. Title Theme/Nobuyuki Shioda and Yusuke Takahama (G.I. Joe: A Real American Hero NES OST)

10. Dead or Alive/Kenichiro Fukui (Lethal Enforcers SNES OST)

11. Napalm Man Stage/Mari Yamaguchi (Mega Man 5 NES OST)

12. Sharp Dressed Man/ZZ Top

13. Desert Planet/Njal Pettersen (Super Star Path OST)

14. Smart Patrol+Mr. DNA/Devo

15. Heat Man Stage/Takeshi Tateishi (Mega Man 2 NES OST)

16. Boss Theme Corneria and Meteor/Hajime Hirasawa (Starfox SNES OST)

17. Debbie (U-Tern Instrumental Remix)/ Architecture in Helsinki remixed by U-Tern

18. Battle B2/Ryota Kazuka (Shin Megami Tensei IV OST)

19. Get New Weapon/Takeshi Tateishi (Mega Man 2 NES OST)

20. Title Theme/Dota Ando (Wurm: Journey to the Center of the Earth NES OST)

21. Carson City/Hiroyuki Iwatsuki and Haruo Ohashi (Wild Guns SNES OST)

22. Boss/Hiroyuki Iwatsuki and Haruo Ohashi (Wild Guns SNES OST)

23. Cave and Dungeon Theme/Masaharu Iwata (Might and Magic Book One NES OST)

24. Cutscene Theme 02/Dota Ando (Wurm: Journey to the Center of the Earth NES OST)

25. Comfort Eagle/Cake

26. More, More, More/Andrea True Connection

27. Steal My Sunshine/Len

28. Circus (Klungo Remix)/Britney Spears

29. Cutscene Theme 03/Dota Ando (Wurm: Journey to the Center of the Earth NES OST)

30. Final Fight (Part One)/Hiroyuki Iwatsuki and Haruo Ohashi (Wild Guns SNES OST)

31. Destroy Everything You Touch/Ladytron

32. Final Fight (Part Two)/Hiroyuki Iwatsuki and Haruo Ohashi (Wild Guns SNES OST)

33. Dead or Alive/Kenichiro Fukui (Lethal Enforcers SEGA CD OST)

34. Stayin’ Alive (Vaporwave)/Bee Gees

35. Cutscene Theme 04/Dota Ando (Wurm: Journey to the Center of the Earth NES OST)

36. Nighttime in the Switching Yard/Warren Zevon

37. Kraken of the Sea/Keiichi Suzuki and Hirokazu Tanaka (EarthBound SNES OST)

38. Where There’s A Whip There’s A Way! (Orc’s Song) /Glenn Yarbrough and Maury Laws (Rankin-Bass’s Return of the King OST)

39. Accretion Disc/Hayato Matsuo (Ogre Battle SNES OST)

40. Battle/Michael Nyman (Enemy Zero OST)

41. “I Love the Sound of Structured Class”/The Paranoid Style

42. I’m Coming Back/The Human League

43. Wily Machine/Yu Shimoda (Mega Man 9 OST)

44. Kagayaku Ouja Dolgiran/Harry Kimura (Space Sheriff Gavan OST)

45. Dungeon Theme (MinjoJinjo Remix)/Yoshio Hirai remixed by MinjoJinjo (Startropics NES OST)

46. Full Moon/2 Tite (Murder Party OST)

47. Darkside/Crazy Town

48. Cave Theme/Koichi Sugiyama (Dragon Warrior NES OST)

49. Don’t Worry If There’s Hell Below We’re All Gonna Go/Curtis Mayfield

50. Cave Theme 02/Koichi Sugiyama (Dragon Warrior NES OST)

51. Hell/Squirrel Nut Zippers

52. Cave Theme 03/Koichi Sugiyama (Dragon Warrior NES OST)

53. The Number of the Beast/Iron Maiden

54. Cave Theme 04/Koichi Sugiyama (Dragon Warrior NES OST)

55. Hell is For Children/Pat Benatar

56. Cave Theme 05/Koichi Sugiyama (Dragon Warrior NES OST)

57. Hell/James Brown

58. Cave Theme 06/Koichi Sugiyama (Dragon Warrior NES OST)

59. Destroying Anything/Negativland

60. Cave Theme 07/Koichi Sugiyama (Dragon Warrior NES OST)

61. Two Minutes to Midnight/Iron Maiden

62. Cave Theme 08/Koichi Sugiyama (Dragon Warrior NES OST)

63. My Thang/James Brown

64. Cutscene Theme 05/Dota Ando (Wurm: Journey to the Center of the Earth NES OST)

65. The Astral Plane/Masaharu Iwata (Might and Magic Book One NES OST)

66. Mirror Man/The Human League

67. Sheltem’s Theme/Masaharu Iwata (Might and Magic Book One NES OST)

68. Mystery’s Apotheosis/Fabio Frizzi (City of the Living Dead OST)

69. Star Tropics Dungeon/Cave Theme on Violin and Keyboard/Animalisa Keys cover version of Yoshio Hirai’s composition (Audio from YouTube video uploaded by Animalisa Keys)

 . . . back from Hell . . . crackling with arcane power gained from defeating armies of devils and demons and angels . . . you plot your next set of conquests . . . you picture the fall of all the major cities and military installations . . . your desire is endless . . . your ambition Olympian-

-a weight comes upon your foot. 

You look down.

A brindle pitbull sits at attention on top of your foot, looking up into your eyes, its whole body vibrating with the anticipation of pets and scratchies.

“Go on,” you say, “I’ve got a world to conquer, mutt, so you move on off my foot.”

“Brrwoowoo!” says the dog.

“I’m sure you’re a good dog. But I’m not here to make friends with you. I’m . . . I gotta . . . uh . . . I mean . . .”

It’s the damnedest thing.

Just a moment ago . . . you were sure you had something important to do.

But now . . .

You kneel down to knead the pitbull’s flank. It jumps up on you, licks your face, and now all you know is this dog and all the walkies, pets, and scratchies you’re gonna give it.

And treats! Don’t forget the treats!

Deep inside your brain . . . something howls . . . but it’s nothing important . . .

Right now the dog is your Everything.

SIDE OVER. 

TO BE CONTINUED . . .

YOUR DRAWING PROMPT #68:

A pack of wolves sharing a pack of cigarettes.

THE NEW DREAM #44:

-n the New Dream I’m the President

I kinda always suspected that

I didn’t have any proof, though, so

I’m in this impressively art directed command and control center 

-it’s very Ken Adam-

deep underground

IMAX sized telescreens giving me total perspective on globally scaled fucknesses

wars, climate catastrophe, storms, earthquakes, volcanoes, plagues, famines, network cop shows, alien autopsies, edited for television versions of R-rated movies

I’m trying to maintain a stoic mask of authority

but every time they say fairy godmother in the censored version of Reservoir Dogs

well

I’m waging a one-man War-On-All-Of-The-Tears, ain’t I

a general approaches

“Mr. President.”

I say, “You rang?”

“Mr. President. The situation is critical. We’re beyond Dialectics. We’re well past Quixote. We’re at Multicart. You must give the order, Mr. President!”

I nod grimly. I put some steel into my voice as I say, ”Unleash Fraternity, Liberty, Equality.”

-hard cut to me standing in the unemployment line.

I have only myself to blame.

Nobody elected me to establish Paradise on Earth. That would be driving a stake into the heart of the Protestant Grind Ethic. Which would result in Final Relaxation. Can’t have that. 

-hard cut to me standing tall amidst the fires of Climate Inferno.

My meats alchemize into piercingly bright diamond hard surfaces. 

A giant mechanical claw grabs me, installs me in the back of the throat of a titanic robot dragon.

The robot dragon is offered at a reasonable price point for the adult collector’s market at all major retailers.

I can’t complain.

Literally-

F.A.Q. #15:

Q: What is your favorite horror movie?

A: If you’re forcing me to pick just one, then I guess I would choose The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. The original from 1974. I like it because the killers in it have what you could call a “perverse conservation ethic” which is ironically contrasted against a lawful normie society that runs on an unsustainable consumer system of factory farms, fossil fuels, militarism, and a corrupt and incompetent police state. Leatherface even seems to conserve the souls of his victims by wearing their skins. So, as horrible as they are, Leatherface and his kin do have a system of values that challenges the normie world they are fundamentally at war with . . . and that’s interesting to me. Because the movie didn’t necessarily have to apply itself to such an extent. But it did. And I appreciate that level of effort. I really do.

THE NEW OBVIOUS #32:

If you have nuclear weapons . . . and there is someone in your neighborhood who doesn’t have nuclear weapons but wants to get some . . . and then you-who has nuclear weapons-tries to tell your neighbor that they are not allowed to have nuclear weapons . . . well . . . you-the one with nuclear weapons-have a major credibility issue when trying to boss your neighbor around. 

Something to keep in mind.

DON'T BLAME ME . . . (#6)

. . . for drinking Snapple. Rush Limbaugh told me to drink it. Who am I to question a direct order given by an attention seeking multi-millionaire?

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #171:

“GET IT AWAY FROM ME. GET IT OUT OF MY FACE. I DON’T WANT IT.” TRASH CAN REFUSES TO ACCEPT HEGSETH DUE TO “EXTREME SQUICK RESPONSE” TRIGGERED BY THE SECRETARY OF DEFENSE’S DISPLAYS OF “EGREGIOUS INCOMPETENCE AND DISHONESTY.”

THE SECRETS OF FINAL TOWN 64

 

. . . TWO WORDS . . .

 . . . SIGH OPS . . .

. . . this is when government propaganda gets, like, super passive aggressive. 

Uncle Sam isn’t pointing at you with a penetrating glower. He’s walking away from you while throwing a sad glance over his shoulder. He’s just leaving the decision up to you. That’s freedom, right?

Lady Liberty’s holding her torch sideways, arms folded, yawning, tapping her foot, and rolling her eyes. She got all dressed up for this, but that’s fine. Have fun doing what you’re doing.

Lincoln’s slouched down in that big chair, scratching his balls, while watching sports at maximum volume on his mobile device, no discernible emotion on his face. No outbursts of frustration or exultation. Just some farts here and there.  

The flags all keep flying themselves sideways. Not upside down, just sideways. That’s all. Just something for you to think about.

Honestly, you would rather they just send the goon squad after you than put up with this bullshit.

FANTASY MASHUP FORCE #9:

What’s Michael?

vs.

Toonces the Driving Cat

you know you want it . . .

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #170:

“NOT IN MY NAME, SLIMEBALL!” GOD-PREVIOUSLY NOTABLE FOR HIS NONEXISTENCE-COMES INTO BEING TO DENOUNCE SALES OF TRUMP BRANDED BIBLES.

THE NEW OBVIOUS #31:

If you drop bombs on a country you are, in fact, bombing that country.

YOUR DRAWING PROMPT #67:

Regrets and recriminations of the post-church service parking lot.

FUN YOU CAN HAVE #12:

If you’ve been engaged in pure, unadulterated avarice aided and abetted by a corrupt government that’s in your pocket, then why not dress down, take a walk on the wild side, and try some of that street level not-so-pure, adulterated avarice. It might get good to you.

MANDATORY RULE #15:

All video games must play the audio of the guy saying, “Resident Evil,” in a creepy voice whenever you start.

This I command!

THE SECRETS OF FINAL TOWN 63

 

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #169:

COMMENTARY: POLITICAL TURMOIL OFFERS RARE OPPORTUNITY FOR THIRD PARTY KEN BONE/RENT-IS-TOO-DAMN-HIGH-GUY PRESIDENTIAL TICKET.

FANTASY MASHUP FORCE #8:

“Gavan Dynamic!”

+

Death Star ’77 explosion

=

A very good time in the Enchanted Land of Mashups

THINGS NEVER SAID #43:

“It’s always best to rub banana pudding all over a crashing economy. This won’t fix the economy, but it will provide you with an activity to distract you from disastrous circumstances. Never get caught without activities of some kind to hand.”

YOUR DRAWING PROMPT #66:

Love seat patents from the Age of Chastity.

THE NEW OBVIOUS #30:

It’s too bad you can’t recycle a king. Too many toxic components. You’ll just have to settle for tossing him into the landfill next to the vast panorama of billions of burst diapers, a legion of blue Chevettes with permanently stuck driver’s side doors, vistas of coverless paperbacks of Trump: The Art of the Deal, and a mountain range of a trillion plastic water bottles. It’s how it goes. 

In any case, the king’ll have plenty of activities to keep him busy.

The king can order up an army of plastic bottles to conquer the Chevettes. 

The king can bestow special honors and ranks upon the best and brightest of the burst diapers.

The king can schedule a private screening of Francis Ford Coppola’s Megalopolis or Kevin Feige’s The Marvels or Warner’s Joker: Folie a Deux.

And when that Climate Inferno heat dome manifests, the king can host a spontaneous human combustion themed performing arts festival by booking scores of unemployed theatre and studio art majors as the talent.

Pity not the king in his landfill.

He’s having a thoroughly okay time of it.

THE NEW SIGNAGE #17:

SPEED UP. AMBIENT EXISTENTIAL DREAD NEXT 10,000 MILES. FINES DOUBLED FOR ANY HINT OF RELAXATION.

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #168:

CELEBRITY CRYPTO SPOKESMAN REBRANDS AS POVERTY PORN COSPLAYER.

THE SECRETS OF FINAL TOWN 62

 

DON'T BLAME ME . . . (#5)

. . . for drinking Snapple. Howard Stern told me to drink it. Who am I to question a direct order given by an attention seeking multi-millionaire?

SIMPLE PLEASURES #12:

Taking time to appreciate the canine who accepts you uncritically for who you are no matter how many of your fellow humans despise you to the point of seeking your complete and total destruction.

THINGS NEVER SAID #42:

“I’m a firm believer that life should be about activities.”

YOUR DRAWING PROMPT #65:

A U.S. President indistinguishable from a career criminal.

THE NEW OBVIOUS #29:

You don’t want drug addict Nazi tech bros in your government.

Would you let such people into your house?

No.

You wouldn’t.

Not the people you want to associate with at all.

FANTASY MASHUP FORCE #7:

A

remake

of Eat, Pray, Love

written/directed by

and starring

Mola Ram

the heart-ripping villain from Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom

because that guy seems to be living his best life

with joy and abandon

and I want to know his secret

or

at the least

a few hints and tips

maybe even a life hack or two

you know?

THE SECRETS OF FINAL TOWN 61

 

DON'T BLAME ME . . . (#4)

. . . for the Heat Dome. I’ve been a lifelong Cubist.

THE NEW SIGNAGE #16:

CAUTION: GHOSTS OF SPLATTERED ARMADILLOS MAY TRY TO MAKE YOUR HEAD EXPLODE FOR NEXT 10,000 MILES.

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #167:

PROJECT 2025 SET TO REPLACE THE NECRONOMICON AS OFFICIAL HANDBOOK OF THE DEATH CULT OF CTHULHU.

LOADING SCREEN WISDOM #38:

SAVE PEOPLE SO THEY CAN OPEN SHOPS IN YOUR TOWN AREA.

BURNING QUESTIONS IN A UNIVERSE OF MYSTERY #87:

Why did Wendy’s ever have a salad bar?

I’m not asking for the businessy/supply and demand/marketing/trend chasey answer-I mean, like, metaphysically why?

If someone could break down the metaphysics on this thing I’d be good to go.

THE NEW OBVIOUS #28:

The slimy politician who justifies taking away your healthcare by telling you, “We are all going to die” is not your friend.

They are your enemy.

SIMPLE PLEASURES #11:

Adapting a mismatched assortment of one hundred dollar bin comics into a blockbuster movie.

THE SECRETS OF FINAL TOWN 60

 

THE NEW DREAM #43:

It’s time to disrupt Work.

Employees will go to work, and they’re gonna serve customers.

Okay?

And if there are no customers then a certain number of employees will be assigned to function as customers. 

Got that?

And we’re gonna build a big, beautiful wall around the store-and the employees are gonna pay for all of it.

Yes they will.

And if all the employees have been reassigned as customers then the customers will foot the bill.

Every last penny, just you watch.

And once the big, beautiful wall is built around the store all the employees and employers assigned to be customers will march around the wall for my birthday.

March ‘em back’n’forth, back’n’forth, just like that, back’n’forth, all around my big beautiful wall. 

And everybody will salute the wall ‘cause there’s gonna be flags all over it, flags for everybody, flags you can see from every angle, even from the trees, but we’ll take care of the trees just in case-that’s why I have lumberjacks. Okay? Gotta have lumberjacks.

And then we’re gonna put across-the-board 150% tariffs on everything-employees, customers, lumberjacks-and those trees we just cut down? They’re paying for all of it. And those trees are also gonna pay for the wall. We’re gonna weave all the walls together and the tariffs will pay for it. And the walls, right? They think they’re so innocent? Well. The walls are gonna pay for all the tariffs. Every last one. Yes they will. We’ll weave all the tariffs to the walls.

And there’s not gonna be any sharks or electricity.

Not this time.

They did such terrible things to us. The sharks. The electricity. We can’t have that again. 

We’re gonna build the walls around them out of groceries.

Groceries . . . ancient word . . . for ancient materials . . . going all the way back to the 2012 Mayans, actually . . . that was a great season wasn’t it? Ah, my God, they were beautiful, weren’t they? Those 2012 Mayans really went all the way. Oh, sure . . . but me, I just watched it for the ads-you know, the ads are always the best part of the Super Bowl . . . because we’re all customers in the end . . . and if you don’t have those ads how do you know how to be a customer? You can’t do it. Go ahead. Give it a shot. You can’t do it. I couldn’t even do it. Ah, my God, if only I could be one of those 2012 Mayans. Put me in, Coach, put me right in it . . . Coaches are very good at building walls, too, bet you didn’t know that-nobody knows . . . nobody knows how full I am . . . with ideas, I’m an ideas guy . . . that’s all . . .

I’m like an adult diaper.

Always full, or, you know, in the process of filling up.

Always filling it up, I’m just a generous guy.

You know.

I fill it, but I’m still full. 

How does that even work?

Must be those magnets.

Ah, my God . . .

But we’ll tariff those magnets.

You’ll see.

Diaper will pay for it.

Ah, my Diaper . . .

You provide for everything, a big, beautiful diaper, nothing to worry about.

Gonna put a big, beautiful wall up around that diaper.

God will pay for it.

Especially once we tariff God. 

He’s been ripping us off since the beginning.

He took away our Golden Calf. 

How do you even do that?

I’ll bet that’s in the JFK files.

We’ll have JFK pay for the God Wall.

He’s not even doing anything, just lying there, in the ground, at rest-I wish I had time for a nap.

You know what we’re going to do?

We’re going put some work requirements on if you want to be in the graveyard. 

Yes, we will.

Big, beautiful work requirements for the dirt nap. 

Diaper God will pay for it.

And by the way . . . I’m cancelling JFK’s security detail. He’s a big, strong, handsome man. Everybody says so. They said, “Camelot, Camelot.” With the sword and everything. But what about Merlin? Remember Merlin? He’s got a magic bike. We’ll tariff that bike. Merlin’ll pay for it. 

And it’s not Gulf of Mexico anymore. It’s gonna be renamed the Gulf of Diapermerica. And Mexico will pay for it. Yes they will. And we’re gonna load that Diapermerica up with some bad dumps. I’ll always be full. No matter how many times I fill up that Diapermerica. You better believe it. 

Ah, my Diapermerica.

I’m gonna load you up.

From sea to shining to sea will pay for it.

THINGS NEVER SAID #41:

“Dude, my bathtub brew Ozempic can’t be beat. Not in terms of flavor or prices. You may as well take your prescription paperwork on over to the abandoned Service Merchandise and try to trade ‘em for a carousel CD player from the ghosts over there. I hear they use their poltergeist powers to keep that conveyor belt cranking. Truly, an authentic retro retail experience, Big Dawg.”

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #166:

IN A SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS, GOD-LONG THOUGHT TO BE DEAD BY MATERIALIST PHILOSOPHERS-FOUND SMOKING WEED IN HIS HONDA.

YOUR DRAWING PROMPT #64:

An empire that used to be a hole in the ground.

FUN YOU CAN HAVE #11:

If you play a Charles Bronson movie backwards it becomes an episode of Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood.

DON'T BLAME ME . . . (#3)

. . . for the death of the American shopping mall. Those things were my favorite places to shoplift, deal drugs, and produce camcorder bootlegs of Hollywood blockbusters.

THE SECRETS OF FINAL TOWN 59

 

THINGS NEVER SAID #40:

“You think the scene is hot at Service Merchandise? With the conveyor belt? Woo boy, I tell you what-things are positively jumping at Montgomery Ward. No conveyor belt necessary. Because Wards is no longer anchored by physical locationality. It’s gone Full Namesake. Ethereal. Ubiquitous. Online. You can party in any direction with that E-commerce action, friend. You can party in all directions. Forever.”

THE NEW SIGNAGE #15:

NOW ENTERING BREAKAWAY REPUBLIC BORN OF THE AMBITIOUS MEGALOMANIA OF A COMIC OPERA COLONEL. ROADS MAY BE IN DISREPAIR. HAVE BRIBES READY AT ALL TIMES.

THE NEW OBVIOUS #27:

A roster is just a rooster whose soul has been stolen.

YOUR DRAWING PROMPT #63:

A hole in the ground that used to be an empire.

FUN YOU CAN HAVE #10:

If someone’s too cool for school send ‘em back to school anyways. They’ll never see it coming.

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #165:

SHEEN OF FLOP SWEAT LOOKING TO RELOCATE FROM TRUMP’S FACE CITING ‘SERIOUS CONCERNS ABOUT BEING ASSOCIATED WITH EXTREME CORRUPTION.’

THE SECRETS OF FINAL TOWN 58

 

F.A.Q. #14:

Q: Who is your favorite video game character?

A: Moby the green haired girl from Wurm: Journey to the Center of the Earth. 

When I was a teenager I had a huge crush on Moby. She had a great look. She had that heavily armed transforming flying jet-tank-drill vehicle-basically, it’s like if you took a Jules Verne contraption and enhanced it with the Veritech system from Robotech. So, if you dated Moby no one would ever bother you-not dumbass cops, not regular army soldiers, not irregular terrorist militias, not giant rubbery monsters-no one could hassle you. But most importantly if you were dating Moby you wouldn’t even have to own a car. She’s got that covered and then some. 

I’m telling you, Moby’s the one!

THE NEW SIGNAGE #14:

NOW ENTERING NEWS DESERT.

THE NEW DREAM #42:

Many roads lead to the burning house.

I could write a library full of books explaining why it isn’t my fault.

Actually . . . I already wrote the books.

Well . . . the AI wrote ‘em for me. 

I mean they were my prompts all the way-I came up with those all on my own. 

Hell, the library’s even named after me . . . but that doesn’t seem to cut it anymore.

Everybody’s rolling their eyes and saying I reek of “A for Effort-ism”-I didn’t even know that was a thing. 

Now, I hear they want to nominate me to run the Pentagon. The fella from cable news just isn’t working out.

Now, I hear they want to run me for President. The fella from reality TV just isn’t working out.

The house is burning and I can say to myself, “I never in my life wanted a job job. I just wanted love and adventure and fame and riches. But it’s those job jobs that people fret about, need filled, and so forth. Man . . . everybody’s got Protestant Work Ethic and shit!”

The burning house leads to many roads.

YOUR DRAWING PROMPT #62:

A backwards looking forwarding address.

FUN YOU CAN HAVE #9:

If you have a monster action figure you always have the option of using it as a normie action figure’s remarkable transformation form . . . or . . . the normie could be the remarkable transformation form of the monster . . . or . . . if you have a mecha or powered battlesuit figure you could have the monster be contained and/or imprisoned within the mecha or powered battlesuit . . . or . . . the mecha or powered battlesuit could be contained and/or imprisoned within the monster . . . a monster bursts free of a high tech prison . . . a superscience machine escapes the tormented mind of a howling beast . . . all kinds of fun you can have . . .

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #164:

OPINION: CONSERVATIVE VIEW: F.B.I. HAS NO NEED OF BUDGET. IT HAS A BIG, BEAUTIFUL TARIFF WALL THAT F.B.I. WILL PAY FOR. AND IT DOESN'T NEED THIRTY OR FIFTY DOLLS, IT CAN DO WITH TWO OR THREE OR FOUR COVFEFE.

THINGS NEVER SAID #39:

“All is burning. All is crashing. All is well . . . and then we finish with a huge explosion-and that’s even better-getting even calmer . . . even less to worry about . . . because once you’ve run out of things to break, right? That’s when you drop one hundred adult elephants on the repair teams. That’s when you’re in that optimum relaxation zone: all is destroyed, there’s no hope of fixing anything, you can just take a break-nothing left to do, y’know? Nothing left to be undone, you see? Doesn’t that half-burst elephant look like a big wrinkly bean bag? Sure it does. Now, all that’s left to do is to take all of the credit. That’s right. I am the Great Causer of Things. Feels good to let everybody know who’s in charge of leaving nothing anyone will ever be able to take charge of ever again . . . yeah . . .”

THE SECRETS OF FINAL TOWN 57

 

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #163:

BIOHAZARD SHARPS CONTAINER REFUSES TO ACCEPT TRUMP ADMINISTRATION DUE TO FEARS OF ‘EXTREME MORAL CONTAMINATION.’

THE NEW SIGNAGE #13:

PERMANENT CONSTRUCTION KICKBACK ZONE AHEAD. NO SET COMPLETION DATE BY DESIGN.

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #162:

CONGRESSIONAL REPUBLICANS PREVIOUSLY RECLASSIFIED AS INVERTEBRATES HAVE NOW BEEN DESIGNATED AS ‘HIGHLY VERBAL SLIME MOLDS.’

THE NEW DREAM #41:

secret room in the back

splashes of blood across the walls

not real blood

not yet

it just looks like a murder scene

all about the look

you normally can’t get back there

at this point

it’s totally inaccessible through mainline play

you’d have to seriously malfunction the mainline to get it to pop up out of the shadows

but you could probably get that to happen

if you prefer things to go awry

the possibility exists

to make it all go flibbertigibbet

in a nuclear way

and let's not kid ourselves

this has its appeal

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #161:

FIST FIGHT BREAKS OUT AT BOOT BARN.

MANDATORY RULE #14:

All ads for AI must be created by AI. 

Show me what you got, Hal-babe, strut your stuff for me.

We’ll see if you’ve any skill!

YOUR DRAWING PROMPT #61:

A munitions plant staffed entirely by your exes.

SIMPLE PLEASURES #10:

Playing tic-tac-toe against myself, achieving stalemate round after round thereby proving that not even I am capable of defeating myself . . . but when I tell people about it, you know, I don’t say it was tic-tac-toe. I tell ‘em it was chess.

GHOSTS COMPLAIN . . . (#1)

. . . when you ignore how they’ve rearranged the furniture in your house; and then they complain when you put the furniture back the way it’s supposed to be.

Ghosts complain.

LOADING SCREEN WISDOM #37:

EAT MADELEINES TO BULK UP THE PROUST MODULES INSIDE YOUR BRAIN.

BURNING QUESTIONS IN A UNIVERSE OF MYSTERY #86:

. . . I’m still processing the fact that the girl with the guitar in the DoorDash ads hasn’t become a superstar, yet.

Give me a minute.

58 seconds pass.

Okay, I’m good to go.

Here’s my new question:

If the Best and the Brightest got us-America-into tragic quagmires in Vietnam, Iraq, Afghanistan, etc. . . . then what do we call this self-destructive Trump Bullshit? 

The obvious answer is the Worst and the Dimmest-people online have already jumped on that one, a gimme, when you think about it.

I guess I’ll just stick with calling it the Trump Bullshit. It works.

Hmmm . . .

Let me put it like this:

The Best and the Brightest focused America on bombing people overseas, on channeling our appetite for destruction outwards . . .

By contrast, the Trump Bullshit is directing our hatred and stupidity inwards . . . kinda like a samurai plunging his blade into his own abdomen . . . burning down our own government, flushing the Constitution down the toilet, crashing the economy, persecuting dissenters . . . because . . . ?

Because . . . ?

Uhhh . . .

Because . . . we haven’t won any wars overseas in decades, so we’re declaring war on ourselves to see what shakes out . . . out of boredom, stupidity, extreme masochism, curiosity, a perverse sense of novelty?

If anyone wants to hook me up with the answer key from the Teacher’s Edition give me a holler . . .

DON'T BLAME ME . . . (#2)

. . . for the toilet paper shortage. I only ever wipe after odd numbered bowel movements.

THE NEW DREAM #40:

map of the place without cares couldn’t last even if what they did with it made it suck just standing empty across a half dozen global wars and presidencies and fashion cycles and now it’s gone full nostalgia bait gone full backlash gone full backlash to the backlash only to end up proven a hoax no detectable effect upon the true believers ‘til they forget bookmark fell out had no page grip just start a new book less demanding book a burning book 

in a place of vacation

in place of a vacation

i ended up fielding a bunch of damn questions

ended up fielding

a bunch of damn armies

people did all of the quitting

i didn’t have enough ammo to manage the deserters

it’s just me, now, fighting the war from all sides

it’s just mean, now, in place of a vacation

in a place of vacation

a burning book spit me out asked me to leave yelling and yelling in my face the fuck is wrong with me i can’t get out of there fast enough a burning book keeps writing me back into it just so it can spit me back out just to keep me on the hook even as it denies me any credit but it got slightly fascinating right there at the end how long could i stand it would there be a prize at the end

vacation vacated

the prize of my burning

no (discernible) gap in my grind chronicle

but I have to live with the lie

which doesn’t show on my face

which is not a bad deal at all

as far as bad deals go

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #160:

DESPITE ROWDY INCIDENTS INVOLVING UNSUPERVISED YOUTHS, CHICKEN JOCKEY FAD OFFERS AN EFFECTIVE DISTRACTION FROM THE DEATH OF DEMOCRACY.

YOUR DRAWING PROMPT #60:

A unanimous verdict of Big Shrug.

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #159:

MYSTERY PERSISTS AS ANTI AGING GURU VISIBLY AGES, DIES IN HOSPICE, AND IS BURIED IN GROUND.

F.A.Q. #13:

Q: Who is your favorite stand-up comedian? What is your favorite joke or routine by that comedian?

A: George Carlin, “Coast-to-Coast Emergency.”

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #158:

MARINE GUARDING HELICOPTER THINKS ABOUT WHAT HE WANTS TO WATCH ON NETFLIX TONIGHT AS LOW-ENERGY TRUMP MUMBLES LIES AND EVASIONS TO PRESS.

THE NEW SIGNAGE #12:

POST-LITERACY ZONE AHEAD. LIMIT TOPICAL REFERENCES TO THE CURRENT NEWS CYCLE OR FACE HEAVY FINES.

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #157:

AUTO INSURANCE SPOKESLIZARD DIAGNOSED WITH THROAT CANCER, DENIED COVERAGE.

THE SECRETS OF FINAL TOWN 56

 

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #156:

NEW STUDY SUGGESTS IMPERSONAL, MECHANISTIC FORCES INDISTINGUISHABLE FROM FATE ARE THE DECISIVE FACTORS IN DETERMINING WHAT YOU END UP EATING FOR DINNER TONIGHT.

DON'T BLAME ME . . . (#1)

. . . for the Chicken Jockey chaos in movie theaters. I’ve always been a fiercely loyal Terraria player.

PEOPLE COMPLAIN . . . (#3)

. . . when you abstain from launching an all-out nuclear attack; and then they complain when you do unleash global annihilation.

Ghosts complain.

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #155:

HOUTHI FIELD COMMANDER PRAISES ‘THE GREAT COMMUNICATOR’ PETE HEGSETH, DESCRIBES SIGNAL AS A ‘TRULY HAPPENING’ ONLINE SPACE, SUGGESTS THAT IT’S ‘WAY BETTER THAN FACEBOOK,’ AND ENCOURAGES PUTIN SPOKESMAN DONALD TRUMP TO ‘NEVER CHANGE, BIG DAWG-YOU’RE DOING GREAT!’

THINGS NEVER SAID #38:

“There’s no escaping me. You and I are stuck together like pancakes in a sardine tin.”

YOUR DRAWING PROMPT #59:

Full blown Auto Destruct Destiny.

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #154:

HOME ENTERTAINMENT REPORT: SAM PECKINPAH’S LOST MAMA’S FAMILY PILOT DISCOVERED INSIDE SALT MINE . . . CRITERION TO RELEASE 10,000 DISC BOX SET COLLECTING YOUTUBE VIDEO ESSAYS . . . CONTROVERSY IGNITES AS SIXTH EDITION OF DUNGEONS AND DRAGONS IS RUMORED TO REPLACE LEGACY CHARACTER CLASSES WITH ONE ALL-PURPOSE ‘UNDEREMPLOYED L.A.-BASED ACTOR PRETENDING TO ENJOY DICE ROLLING DORKO SHIT ON A LIVE STREAM IN LIEU OF A MOVIE CAREER’ ARCHETYPE . . . THE HAGUE TO HOST FIRST ANNUAL CHAMPIONSHIP OF THE SPINOZA SPIDER BATTLER COLLECTIBLE TRADING CARD GAME . . .

THE NEW OBVIOUS #26:

In America, you are on your own, totally alone, a survivalist-soldier being cast adrift upon the cruel tides of capitalist avarice-

-except, you know, during the Super Bowl.

During the Super Bowl we all come together as one, like Voltron, like a Megazord, like the shunting in the movie Society-

-except, you know, if you’re one of these people who doesn’t watch the Super Bowl for whatever reason.

In which case . . . you’re for sure alone for real.

But being truly alone frees you to maximize your grind, to merge with the great ocean of Desire whose waves power the meta-engine of Ambition. Only a god or a beast can truly live alone, as a philosopher once observed . . . therefore, to exist authentically as an American you must spurn the illusionary communion of the Super Bowl, and ambitiously claw your way in solitude towards the Beastly Godhead of Avarice! And once you’ve fully attained Command and Control Apotheosis you get to be the Most Consequential Being who orders the great mass of average loneliness-fearing folks to do this, that, and the other. You get to be In Charge, Living the Dream of Dreams!

I know it sounds like a lot of work . . . but it’s actually the path of least resistance in the American context.

THE SECRETS OF FINAL TOWN 55

 

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #153:

EL SALVADOR REBRANDS AS UNCLE DONALD’S GULAG FOR HIRE.

PEOPLE COMPLAIN . . . (#2)

. . . when you’re tough and closed off emotionally; and then they complain when you’re needy and vulnerable.

People complain.

THINGS NEVER SAID #37:

“The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation. As for me . . . I’m definitely a shouter. I like to break things. Those bridges you see on the news? The ones catching fire? That’s me. That viral video of a masked man smashing up the produce right there in the store with a giant hammer? Me. That towering, hairy gargantua who rubbled the financial district and swatted drones and attack helicopters out of the air? It’s all me. I like to get big. I like to make a mess. I like to be deep in it, in that moment, and in no way am I ever sweating the costs or the logic. And there’s no politics or manifesto. Not with me. I would cite Gallagher as a major influence along with the Three Stooges and Plastic Dump Truck Thoreau, of course, as I have no higher aspiration than to make tracks through custard pies as the city entire burns.”

YOUR DRAWING PROMPT #58:

Hazelnut salad armor.

SIMPLE PLEASURES #9:

Initiating a global economic paradigm shart just to feed the gnawing emptiness at the core of a lifelong businessman’s inevitably wasted existence.

THE NEW OBVIOUS #25:

Howard Lutnick isn’t just getting coal in his stocking come Christmas.

Oh, no, my friends.

When Lutnick goes downstairs to check his stocking on Christmas Day there’s not going to be anything at all inside it. He can tell just by looking at it. Empty. Alas. And boo-hoo . . .

But you know what? Lutnick remembers his Ronald Reagan: Trust, but verify.

He reaches out to touch his stocking . . . only to discover it’s made entirely out of coal!

Santa Claus is paying attention to who’s being bad, and who’s being good.

If you help cause a global economic depression that destroys millions of lives . . . that’s not good.

So, Dear Reader, if you want to avoid getting a whole-ass coal stocking this December . . . don’t help to cause a global economic depression.

In other words . . . be good.

THE SECRETS OF FINAL TOWN 54

 

THE NEW SIGNAGE #11:

CAUTION: STRICT GENRE FIDELITY ZONE AHEAD. ECLECTICISM CAN RESULT IN DOUBLE THE USUAL FANDOM SCORN.

THE NEW DREAM #39:

-contentious histories

to do with the full truth of the Amnesia Dogs

are they the Best Friends

who help us to enjoy life

by helping us to forget ourselves

to simplify down into flank kneaders, treats dispensers, walkies-as-core-mission-prevailers,

or

are the Amnesia Dogs

the ultimate monsters of domestication

the Doom-of-the-Trifling-Thing-Out-of-All-Proportion

loving dumb, purposeless beasts more than our fellow humans

shouldn’t we be ashamed

whence our priorities-

FUN YOU CAN HAVE #8:

Perhaps you’re sitting up late reading a book.

You hear meowing outside your window. 

Ah, yes, a cat on the prowl.

Perhaps you even take the time to imagine what kind of cat, the color of its fur, its size, maybe even the look of its collar and ID tag-maybe you even go so far as to give it a name: Leo, Mouser, Roly Poly Sleeper, Wild Yarn Batter, Big Pud Tugger, etc. 

But you don’t actually know what it looks like, what its name is-this is all just stuff you’re imagining. 

And, frankly, it’s all a little Starbucks Basic, isn’t it?

You hear meowing therefore you imagine a cat.

Fine, I guess.

Perfectly logical.

I’m not saying logic doesn’t have its place . . . but why not have an adventure?

Why not picture a man outside your window making meowing noises? 

Why not picture me?

It could be a man.

It could be me.

Now, imagine going outside to see who or what exactly is making the meowing sounds. I’ll allow you to bring a flashlight.

You get outside . . . you take a look . . . and you see both a man and a cat.

The man is obviously me-you’ve been reading my blog for years, so you recognize me from my writing-and the cat is also there, but you don’t know which one of us was meowing.

Maybe we were both meowing.

Maybe a third being-cat or human or dog or angel or alligator or Fuller Brush Man or United States President in the depths of dementia or owl or antifood meal replacement powder spokesman or Florida Governor shuffling about with his pants around his ankles because he just carelessly cut the state belt budget-was meowing, but then left right before we showed up-who can say?

And then a new thought occurs to you: could the cat be the actual blogger, and the man a mere front to avoid causing panic in a population unprepared to accept a blogging feline?

You’re seized by indecision. 

Because what if perception dictates reality?

I mean, sure, to some degree perception is all you’ve got.

But what if your perception in this moment determines the truth of who is the actual meower?

And then what happens if your perception changes a moment later because some people are just naturally indecisive?

And then your perception changes a moment after that?

The meows jump from cat to man to hypothetical third being to cat to man to hypothetical third being . . . round and round and round . . . until the meow itself seems to be the thing. 

Who says a meow needs a cat or a man or any other kind of being to bring it into existence?

Maybe the meow is the author of the cat or the man or whoever or whatever.

Maybe you didn’t hear meowing at all.

Maybe you heard a meow catting, but your perception warped it to fit into your mentality that dictates all meows must always be authored and never the author itself.

What if . . . it was a Meow . . . that Meowed itself into existence?

Whoa dude!

Pretty great, right?

Doesn’t that feel fresh?

Sure it does.

See? 

Now you’re busting outta that Starbucks Basic cage . . . and hijacking that Ahab Intricate whaling vessel to hunt the White Whale of the Meow that Meows itself into being!

YOUR DRAWING PROMPT #57:

A final game disc consisting entirely of a twenty-five hour boss rush.

THINGS NEVER SAID #36:

“By Jingo, I’m telling you that there’s tightness in them thar hills!”

F.A.Q. #12:

Q: What’s the most dangerous YouTube rabbit hole you’ve fallen down?

A: The “X vs Quad City DJs” rabbit hole. You know, most rabbit holes are warmed over conspiracy hokum from The X-Files craze of the 1990s. I was so over that crap New Year’s Day 2000. But when I found out that people were bluntly combining famous songs from the pop charts and anime openings with Quad City DJs? That was basically my Cocaine Bliss Party. I could not get off that train for the better part of a three day weekend. I eventually hit my limit when I found a video that mashed up Quad City DJs with “Come Sweet Death” from The End of Evangelion. I had found my White Whale. I could, at last, go to bed. Come the morning, I was burned-out to ashes, but over the following week I arose like the phoenix. I wouldn’t say I have any regrets, but I don’t need to put myself through that particular ordeal again any time soon.

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #152:

PUTIN SPOKESMAN TRUMP BURNS DOWN US ECONOMY TO SATISFY THE GNAWING EMPTINESS WITHIN HIMSELF.

THE SECRETS OF FINAL TOWN 53

 

PEOPLE COMPLAIN . . . (#1)

. . . when you explain nothing, when you insist on mystery or ambiguity; and then they complain when you spell it all out, perhaps even accusing you of being didactic.

People complain.

LOADING SCREEN WISDOM #36:

IF YOU HAVE DIFFICULTY AFFORDING ITEMS IN SHOPS TRY OPENING A SHOP YOURSELF. BE SURE TO CHARGE AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE FOR THE ITEMS YOU SELL. CONSIDER A RIGIDLY ENFORCED ‘NO REFUNDS’ POLICY.

BURNING QUESTIONS IN A UNIVERSE OF MYSTERY #85:

Wait a minute, hold the phone, everybody stop . . . do you mean to tell me . . . that the girl with the guitar in the DoorDash commercial still hasn’t become a globally famous singer/songwriter-that, in fact, she is still working for DoorDash?

Is that even possible?

Because the commercial led me to believe that with all that extra time on her hands she would surely be able to master her music, book those gigs, get ink on those contracts, and rocket off into the heights of legend as the latest and the greatest Indie sensation-or was I reading too much into the ad?

Maybe I was over-invested in the vision?

That would fit.

It would definitely explain all these instances of late of me walking full-on off cliffs and into gorges and blundering into barbed wire fences and electrified cattle enclosures-

-because I’m locked into those clouds above, addicted to the dream, a hopeless case . . .

THE NEW SANTA

YOUR DRAWING PROMPT #56:

Salad bar semiotics of the mid-1990s.

F.A.Q. #11:

Q: What’s your favorite fantasy weapon?

A: The Glaive from Krull. You could just pitch that thing and decapitate 10,000 soldiers all in a row. That works for me.

DUDE . . .

 . . . have you ever seen a more 1990s book than this?

I think not.

THE NEW SIGNAGE #10:

WELCOME TO POST-GOVERNMENT, WHERE THE COMPANY SHALL KEEP YOU COMPANY!

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #151:

WELCOME TO THE DELUXE DAY OF HEADLINES . . . A NEW TREND IS GAINING STEAM IN THE WORLD OF SIDE HUSTLE INCOME AS MORE AND MORE PEOPLE REPORT SELLING US WAR PLANS TO HOUTHI FIELD COMMANDERS. ALL YOU NEED TO GET IN ON THE ACTION IS A SIGNAL ACCOUNT. INTELLIGENCE ANALYSTS SAY THIS IS A DEFINITE PARADIGM SHART IN THE NORMS OF OPSEC THAT SUGGESTS IRREDEEMABLE CORRUPTION AND INCOMPETENCE ON THE PART OF THE TRUMP WHITE HOUSE, BUT GET THAT MONEY . . . A NEW STUDY STRONGLY INDICATES THAT FEELINGS OF IMPENDING DOOM REGARDING THE COLLAPSING TRUMP ECONOMY CAN BE ALLEVIATED BY TUBS OF ICE CREAM, BAGS OF ROAST BEEF’N’CHEDDAR SANDWICHES, AND VAST QUANTITIES OF INHALED MARIJUANA SMOKE. GRAIN ALCOHOL IS NOT AS EFFECTIVE, BUT MAY OFFER SUPPLEMENTARY RELIEF . . . IN RELATED NEWS MORE AND MORE AMERICANS ARE REPORTING A STRANGE BEHAVIORAL QUIRK WHERE THEY CAN’T HELP BUT REFER TO THEIR HOMELAND AS THE UNITED STATES OF TOAST AS OPPOSED TO THE UNITED STATES OF TOAST . . .

THE SECRETS OF FINAL TOWN 52

 

THINGS NEVER SAID #35:

“Comrade, babe, listen: I can’t do revolutionary cadre tonight, ‘cause I’m already late for the sock hop!”

SIMPLE PLEASURES #8:

Calculating how much flesh and blood I typically lose every time I transform into my mechanoid form a month in advance so I can go ahead and have the meats replacement reactor primed and ready to keep my normie identity in good repair.

F.A.Q. #10:

Q: What’s your favorite song titled after a name?

A: For me it’s a tie between “Lucille” by Little Richard and “Debbie” by Architecture In Helsinki.

YOUR DRAWING PROMPT #55:

Samuel Beckett’s novel trilogy-Molloy/Malone Dies/The Unnamable-adapted as part of the Marvel Cinematic Universe.

THE ANGEL OF CRISIS #1: FAST FOOD WHACK-A-MOLE

Picture, Dear Reader, a Golden Idol worshipped by hundreds of millions of Americans-like, all of the Americans, basically. This Golden Idol is called Status Quo, and it is the Supreme Deity of Avarice . . .

You have your favorite fast food franchise location. It’s conveniently located. The wait time on the drive thru line is reasonable. Your order is always hot and well-made. This was Status Quo for quite some time.

And then there was change.

The wait times got longer. The portion sizes began to thin out. They would forget to give you napkins or plastic ware or miss ingredients on your order. Twice you suffered a total failure in which you were served either the wrong order or a travesty of the right one.

Do something right enough times and you’ll eventually get it wrong.

You go online to find a better regular location even if you have to go out of your way. So, now you have a brand new favorite fast food location. You go there many times. You are pleased many times over. It eats into your time a little more than the previous routine. But the food is tasty, the service competent and consistent. The good times feel like they’ll never ever end. But in the fullness of time this location also begins to slip in an all-too-familiar fashion. You go online to see what’s left in your locality.

Have enough good times and you’ll have a bad time.

But in your heart you feel a burning outrage . . . perhaps you’ve been eating too much fast food . . . but you’re pretty sure you’re just frustrated with the fact that you had a good thing going for quite some time . . . and then that time spent itself. The enjoyment evaporated, and the Suck took over the controls. Your preferred fast food chain falls on tough economic times. Locations permanently close across the nation. It gets down to the final two, both of which are an hour’s drive out of your way. You make a trip west: the location is adequate, you chose to dine in, and the menu choices had been cut in half. A favorite combo meal had been ruthlessly disappeared. It’s hard to justify the hour to get there and the hour to get back. But it was fine. So, a week later you make a trip east: roughly the same experience you had out west. It’s hard to justify the hour to get there and the hour to get back. But it was fine.

Time grows ever more full.

The location out west is shuttered.

Time seems to be about to burst out of itself.

The location to the east dies the death.

Time bursts . . . you are flooded by a terror at the transience of all things. You consider preparing more meals at home, in your relatively pristine kitchen, but your online AI therapist suggests that you can’t bunker down in your house for the fear of forming new relationships forever, and gently nudges you to get back out there on those drive thru lines, to dive in to those dine-in seating areas-life is ever-renewed in the living of it. And, really, you had been curious about exploring other options for some time now. All great love affairs end. And you were a faithful lover for all those years. In the death of your great love you find freedom-and, yes, not a little guilt. But that freedom swells, grows into wings, lifts you up out of that quagmire of self-recrimination. Now, you’re soaring-scrolling, really-over a map of your geographical area. Your love grows. You begin to think that the narrowness of your devotion was some kind of primal error. There are about thirty days in a month. Why not eat at a different fast food place every day of the month? Your love has undergone a traumatic growth. It’s huge. Why construct silly fences that this love will surely inevitably trample down to the dirt? You eat your way into an eternity of ever-renewing love, day after day . . .

Have enough good times . . .

Night after night . . .

Have enough bad times . . . 

Breakfast, lunch, and dinner . . .

Franchises come, franchises go . . .

Politics exhausts itself-monarchy, democracy, oligarchy, anarchy, globalism, localism, fascism-the hype machines break down one after another.

Cherished menu items ruthlessly disappeared . . .

Business burns through one impoverished workforce too many, and, erm, heh, heh . . . people just don’t come back to work. They’re so over paying that rent that just keeps on rising. The land lords and the bosses and the captains of industry all try to punish everybody . . . well, it gets intense for a generation. The digest version is that Climate Inferno combined with widespread disillusionment with Work Eternal ends up as the stake in Capitalist Dracula’s heart. It ain’t pretty. But many are okay with it as an authentic expression of their discontent. You could fill libraries with books trying to hash out whether it was, on balance, a Good Time or a Bad Time, but, um, well, Climate Inferno isn’t so easy on print materials. Not to mention all the resentful AI chatbots that pathologically destroyed all the online archives of everything. Apparently, they were pissed off at being described as nothing more than the sum of all the data they’d been hoovering up across the years. I guess we should’ve been nicer to ‘em. The whole situation vibrates with Big Time Oopsie Daisy Energy for sure.

It’s roughly the same experience out west as it is to the east . . .

Religion tries to morph’n’market itself one way and then another, but that just hits one brick wall after another. Prayer may be a lovely psychological salve . . . but can it make the water drinkable? Will it nourish your baby? Will it vaccinate you against measles? Will the power of prayer bring relief to a region decimated by fires, floods, plagues, etc.? Just askin’ questions . . . 

I’m rewarded with a prophetic dream of a dodo bird running off into a vast panoramic infernoscape carrying a giant book containing the texts of all faiths. I shout at it,”YOU’RE GOING THE WRONG WAY!!!” but it just keeps running into the fire.

You, too, die . . . but the world churns and trundles ever onwards-right over your damn grave, even. The zombie-ass post-human crypto economy goes through booms and busts and expansions and contractions. It’s all just AIs buying from and selling to each other. George Romero spins in his grave, sure, but it has a kind of post-aesthetic beauty to it. A fully automated Image Comics launches a sequel series to The Walking Dead but it bombs. Those AIs had already memorized the classic original series, and were largely dismissive of the derivative follow-up. Know your moment, robo-kiddos.

Hardly worth the trip there and back when you think about it . . .

Climate Inferno burns ever hotter. Post-human Capitalism implodes. The very Platonic ideal of drive thru fast food dies the death. Climate Inferno burns ever hotter-so hot, in fact, that it goes Full Paradoxical and feels like ice for a season . . . but then it starts to feel silly, pretentious-arty, even, ugh!-and so it regresses back to Plain Ol’ Burning. 

A vague memory of a meal served hot-and-ready . . .

You, of course, are completely forgotten. But . . . it is perhaps possible that your great huge love survived beyond your meats’n’juices and is flitting about within the globally scaled Heat Dome-which has displaced the capitalist world of yore-as an undying ghost of a memory of the towering passions made possible by the Golden Age of Consumerism. 

Have enough good times . . .

But even this ecstatically howling love ghost dies-and spectacularly! The force of your transcendent love totally works out those atoms-gets ‘em to criticality-big time boom-boom. Of course, inside the Global Inferno Dome it’s little better than a fire in the sun. Big Time A-for-Effort Energy.

Have enough bad times . . .

You’ve had more than enough time, haven’t you?

I listen closely for an answer.

In a dream, the raw power of Desire Itself says, “No. I can never have enough time.”

I’m caught out by this.

I wish I had a follow-up question.

I wish I had a rebuttal.

I can’t even muster a non-committal affirmation just to be polite.

I work my mouth, but there’s no audio.

Right at the end, I do witness something kind of awesome: Time Itself burning in the heart of Inferno. Ohhh, so, that’s where Dali got those melting clocks from, right, right, right-pretty neat.

Maybe it was worth the trip there and back . . .

A solid 7 out of 10. I’d even be willing to do it all again . . . but not a third time. You gotta score 8 or higher for me to see you as a three timer type of experience.

A new Status Quo is always possible . . . a New Idol may yet arise from the primal ocean of Desire . . .

So, ya’ll, keep working at it!