YOUR DRAWING PROMPT #87:

That moment when you try to take off your wristwatch, and the damn thing won’t come off because you’re just an action figure. The wristwatch is just part of your overall mold.

EMERGENCE #6:

. . . Darst is burning. He looks amazing. He’s titanic as he strides towards us fresh from battle. The low angle helps with this. He’s this helmeted, masked, unreadable man cloaked in fire striding right into camera, gonna trample us!

And now there’s the crew in respirators, bringing a fire extinguisher and fire blanket to bear upon the suddenly human scaled figure of Darst.

Close-up of Darst’s unreadable, precision cut sight orbs curvily reflecting a scene of mass destruction. We draw closer to a mirror image of a bat-like face, eyes bulging out of its sockets like they’ve been choked loose.

We swing our camera mind around to survey the destroyed city. We see a bat-winged monster man lying with his head twisted completely backwards upon a city-scale bed of rubble, eyes bulging out of its sockets like they’ve been choked loose.

We cut to Darst’s back as he strides away from us, towards some glittering future city that stretches out to the vanishing point.

Darst, when the fire’s out, lumbering through the set, battery low, his personal mobile maintenance crew slightly struggling to attach a giant nutrient solution bag to a long and thick tube. Crew people standing all about at loose ends-

Jump cut to Darst embedded within an elaborate command chair, enclosed head tilted back, lens orbs scanning the sky, or one assumes. 

Jump cut to five people swarming Darst, still embedded within his ultratech throne, each one working on some section of his costume. 

Burning Darst superimposes itself upon the image of Darst within his ultratech throne in the form of a throwback optical. We’re looking at the two things at once. Burning Darst points his occulted face towards the sky . . .

THINGS NEVER SAID #49:

“In this Season of Gratitude and Giving, I would just like to take this opportunity in Jesus’s name-which just slipped my mind, but it’ll come back to me-to give thanks to the blessed toymakers of this planet who have seen fit to gift me with a box including action figure depictions of all four members of the Fantastic Four. Praise be. However-and I do not wish to sound ungrateful in this Season of Gratitude and Giving-however I cannot help but speak to the self-evident dilemma of this moment. Which is as follows: I only want the new Ben Grimm. That’s it. I don’t need the other three. Look. It’s like this . . . those of us who buy the action figures . . . we’re just interested in the Ben Grimms, the Incredible Hulks, the Banes, the Godzillas, the Voltrons, the Hulkbuster Iron Men, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Men, a few Master Chiefs, a Mechagodzilla could be nice, a well done Goro could work in a pinch, maybe a Ghost Rider here and there, and maybe, like, one really gnarly tongue hanging out Venom-that’s it. We don’t need Mr. Fantastic or Invisible Lady or the Human Torch-Ghost Rider’s already got the Torch’s spot to put it bluntly. You see what I’m getting at here? In the movies and the comic books-neither of which I’m familiar with-the boring-ass characters have their place. Because, like, in movies and comic books-which are stories-you need boring characters to accommodate all that boring-as-fuck English Major Shit. Uhh, y’know, like, uhhh . . . exposition? Uhh, theme? Plot’s one, I know that, plot’s the one I always remember. I did okay with that one in school. Not great. Just okay. I got by. D’s a passing grade your senior year. I’m not a spiritual man, but I believe in that Senior Magic. But in the world of action figures-my world-the boring-ass characters do not have a place. ‘Cause my world is all-action-all-the-time. You understand? So. I will gladly add the new Ben Grimm to my shelf of Ben Grimms. There we go. And these other three can go right into the trash. Like so. All the people who’ve been downsized from the economy by AI can have a few extra toys to keep their starving children distracted while scavenging for semi-edible food waste. And all’s well on planet Earth. Praise be to ol’ Jesus What’s-His-Face.”

THE NEW DREAM #49:

It’s not the same.

My local comic book store opened in a new, bigger location.

Like, Wal-Mart Super Center Inescapable Labyrinth of Consumer Desire big.

You could call it huge.

Gargantuan, even.

And they don’t even sell comic books anymore.

Just Pokemon and Magic the Gathering and Yu-Gi-Oh and baseball cards and the inevitably doomed re-launch of Illuminati New World Order. 

They have comic books.

They’re all in a great big pile in the back.

You can take as many as you want for free.

But then you’re required to walk back to the front of the store while all the trading card gamers throw rocks at you.

It sucks.

I found myself missing the older, hipper version of my local comic book store.

So, I went back to the old location which was tucked away inside a grimy, nondescript strip mall.

It was still open.

I’m like, “What?!”

I go inside.

There’s just a broom with some stick-on googly eyes minding the till. 

I wave hello.

The googly eyed broom pitches me on pre-ordering The New Dream #50 which is a double-sized issue featuring a holografix foil cover in a sealed plastic bag featuring a trading card loose in the bag.

I consider this carefully.

I had never read a single issue of The New Dream in my life.

The googly eyed broom tells me #50 is supposed to be a great jumping on point for new readers.

Who am I to argue with that?

I place my pre-order . . . but then I slouch back to the new location.

I figure I’ll drop some heavy dollars on the inevitably doomed Illuminati New World Order re-launch.

It’s gonna work out this time.

No one’ll ever throw a rock at me ever again.

I can feel it.

FANTASY MASHUP FORCE #24:

An AI deep fake remake of Mr. Majestyk wherein Charles Bronson just wants to get his Labubus back.

The original version in which Bronson just wants to get his melons back will be available as an unlockable special feature, which will also offer Gallagher boss fight DLC at a price point attractive to mindless gamer drones.

THE SECRETS OF FINAL TOWN 86

 

THE NEW OBVIOUS #43:

When you say, “He looks like Woody Harrelson,” that’s just a circumspect way of saying, “He’s a bald guy.”

THE NEW SIGNAGE #31:

CONGRATULATIONS. YOU HAVE  ENTERED THE ZONE OF AREA. PLEASE REFRAIN FROM ALL THOUGHTS, ACTIVITIES, AND BEHAVIORS. THANK YOU.

LOADING SCREEN WISDOM #44:

IF YOU LAUNCH YOUR FISTS AS PART OF A SPECIAL ATTACK YOU MAY, IF POSSIBLE, RETRIEVE YOUR FISTS TO BE RE-ATTACHED ONCE THE BATTLE HAS BEEN WON. HOWEVER, RE-ATTACHMENT MAY ONLY PROCEED ONCE YOU HAVE SUBMITTED YOUR FISTS FOR IDEOLOGICAL SANITATION PROTOCOLS TO ENSURE RE-HARMONIZATION WITH THE BODY POLITIC.

BURNING QUESTIONS IN A UNIVERSE OF MYSTERY #93:

Has anyone ever considered the possibility that all of the strange creatures seemingly attacking Karnov-in the video game Karnov-are actually just trying to approach him in order to ask if they can borrow his ladder?

Mytho-poetic monsters likely don’t spend a lot of time, money, or energy on mundane things like, “Oh, I gotta clear the leaves from the gutter. I need a ladder for that. Maybe I’ll talk to that Karnov fellow who is constantly whipping out his ladder. Maybe he’ll let me borrow it. Can’t hurt to ask.”

So the monsters approach Karnov. Karnov fries them with fireballs. It’s all a failure to communicate. 

Could it be that in the end Karnov is a secret sequel to Cool Hand Luke?

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #219:

“SO MUCH DEPENDS UPON IT, AND YET IT HAS LET US ALL DOWN." INSPECTOR GENERAL’S REPORT FINDS RED WHEEL BARROW TO BE DERELICT IN ITS DUTIES OVER THE PAST SIX MONTHS. THE REPORT GOES ON TO DETAIL HOW THE RAIN WATER HAS HAD NOTHING TO GLAZE, NOR THE CHICKENS ANYTHING TO STAND BESIDE DURING THE TIME COVERED BY THE INVESTIGATION.

SIMPLE PLEASURES #19:

Hiring a mob of people to fight each other to the death over some Black Friday sales trinkets.

Here I sit in the shadows . . .

Laughing my handsome head off . . .

Enjoying the show . . .

THE SECRETS OF FINAL TOWN 85

FUN YOU CAN HAVE #16:

When you’re having a horrendously bitter argument with your family this Thanksgiving holiday season, switch from your main language to turkey gobbles. 

Win or lose, for the rest of their days the enemy will never forget this battle.

MANDATORY RULE #18:

All movies depicting mass destruction must include scenes depicting the clean-up process, which may take years, or even decades, or even longer if there’s no budget left to pay for it. This rule may seem restrictive, but it also opens up intriguing story possibilities. Imagine a giant monster movie that portrays gargantuan beasts leveling all of the United States including its state and federal governments, all branches of the military, and all significant economic sectors. The giant monsters do their thing, and then fade from the scene. 

Then what happens? 

People keep waiting for disaster relief but all those departments of government have been abolished by MAGA assholes. These same MAGA scumbags have also given away all the tax dollars to their slimy techbro billionaire friends. Americans are left to wander the rubblescape, wondering how it all went wrong. People just start piling stuff up not quite realizing that no one’s coming to clear it. Some folks pray. Some folks start praying to the piles of wreckage. Strong winds blow, new fires spread, and one or two giant monsters reappear. But the giant monsters get bored real quick now that there’s no military toys to play with, so they step on some rubble pile cultists, and then turn their attention towards Europe, Russia, China, and Japan. But right before it leaves, one of the giant monsters sees a bald eagle soaring through the sky. A tear rolls down the behemoth’s radioactive cheek. And then it spits a fireball at the eagle, totally incinerating it. A real tear-jerker, no?

Rules inspire creativity.

Or so I’m told.

This I command!

THE NEW SIGNAGE #30:

NOTHING BUT TRUMP DESPERATELY BLACKING OUT HIS NAME NEXT 10,000 EPSTEIN FILES.

YOUR DRAWING PROMPT #86:

A bittersweet memory of a lost routine.

If that’s too painful then it doesn’t have to be lost, it can merely be disrupted due to intrusive work demands and/or attack by robots.

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #218:

“I GOT IT FOR $4.99 PLUS APPLICABLE SALES TAX FROM THE DISCOUNT DVD BIN AT BIG LOTS.” GOD OF BLOGGING WILLIAM D. TUCKER ANNOUNCED HIS PURCHASE OF WARNER-DISCOVERY ON SOCIAL THIS MORNING. DESPITE THE LOW PRICE POINT, TUCKER EXPRESSED THE FOLLOWING REGRETS: “I MEAN, LIKE, IT WAS CHEAP. BUT I COULD’VE JUST TORRENTED THE SHIT FOR FREE. A LOT OF IT I’M NOT EVEN GONNA WATCH, RIGHT? LIKE HARRY POTTER? I’M NOT A CHILD. I DON’T WATCH THAT CRAP. OR THE LATEST PAUL THOMAS ANDERSON PICTURE. I’M SORRY, BUT THE GUY’S SO PRETENTIOUS, SO TEDIOUS, ALL THE FILM PODGRIFTERS ARE FALLING FOR IT, OF COURSE. BASICALLY, I’M JUST INTO THE CAGNEY PICTURES. HAVE YOU SEEN WHITE HEAT? DUDE! THAT ENDING IS SICK-AS-FUCK!” . . . NEW ANALYSIS INDICATES PRESIDENT TRUMP’S HOARSE VOICE THIS PAST WEEK STRONGLY SUGGESTS THAT BUBBA’S STILL KNOCKING THEM VOCAL CORDS LOOSE . . . GOD OF BLOGGING WILLIAM D. TUCKER HAS ANNOUNCED THAT HE’LL BE TRADING WARNER-DISCOVERY TO HIS BUDDY FOR THE LIMITED EDITION DVD BOX SET OF THE SPACE BATTLESHIP YAMATO FEATURE FILMS . . .

F.A.Q. #24:

Q: If you could act the part of any fictional character who would it be?

A: Captain Ahab.

THE SECRETS OF FINAL TOWN 84

 

FANTASY MASHUP FORCE #23:

Winnebago Man’s Winnebago Man versus the mysterious lady driving the rental van in Under the Skin.

If the mysterious lady can get Winnebago Man into the extra-dimensional meat processor . . . she wins.

If Winnebago Man can convince the mysterious lady she should be outraged by the machinations of Dick Cheney . . . victory is his.

Let the games begin!

THE NEW SIGNAGE #29:

NOTHING BUT NET NEXT 10,000 MILES.

THE NEW OBVIOUS #42:

The more resentful, dead-eyed helper elves you have bound howlingly to your will the higher your overall productivity output.

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #217:

“YOU AND I ARE BOUND TOGETHER, DONALD!” THE HELLFIRE SHROUDED GHOST OF EPSTEIN EXPRESSED GRAVE DOUBTS THAT TRUMP’S LOOMING INVASION OF VENEZUELA WOULD DO MUCH TO DISTRACT THE AMERICAN PEOPLE FROM THEIR ETERNAL BESTIESHIP. EPSTEIN FURTHER COMMENTED, “MOST AMERICANS CAN’T EVEN FIND VENEZUELA ON A FUCKING MAP, MY FRIEND . . .”

THE NEW DREAM #48:

I’m watching a movie about an American public school teacher in the 1990s

It’s almost entirely in real time

523 minutes

Of this woman straight out of college

First day in class

And she’s deluged with names

There’s, like, four hundred different kids named Jon, John, Jonathon, Johnny, John-Boy

And seven or eight hundred Catherines, Cates, Katies, Kats

Twenty-seven hundred or so Steves, Stevies, Stephens, Stefans

Three hundred Stephanies

Only one Craig, intriguingly

And about six hundred Jens, Jennys, Jennifers

Basically

Teacher lady’s struggling to remember which kid goes by which name

Of course, the little bastards start swapping names around

Teacher lady’s self control is remarkable

She’s got an iron will

Never takes the bait

I was pulling my fucking hair out

But teacher lady soldiers on to the final bell

By the end of the day she’s created new names for all those noxious little gremlins

From a new language

And she has organized them into various efficient teams

Each assigned a specialized set of tasks

One group manufactures ammunition

Another is developing an array of designer viruses

The artsy children are designing logos and propaganda posters

The computer nerds are busy hacking into the Pentagon and the White House

The science dorks are working on converting the assembly hall into an atomic pile

The model U.N. kids have been retasked to draft articles defining the parameters of an aborning breakaway republic

The little jocks are on maneuvers 

Everything’s coming together in magnificent fashion

When the final bell rings

And it’s off to the buses, you little monsters, you’ll be back to conquering the world tomorrow morning bright and early

Jump cut to later that evening: teacher lady on her couch, drinking a bottle of red wine, laughing hysterically at Letterman

Roll credits

Now, the version of this movie I watched was actually the special collector’s edition Blu-Ray release

I don’t remember if it was on Criterion

But it had two alternate endings as special features

One is a tragic ending where teacher lady is on her couch, drinking a bottle of red wine, laughing hysterically at Leno-total bummer, right

The other is an ambiguous head scratcher ending where teacher lady is on her couch, drinking a bottle of red wine, laughing hysterically at Serious Political Commentary Grodin-really made me think about things

Overall, I give it a 7 out of 10

I was tempted to go 8 out of 10, but I was always a Tom Snyder fan, so I docked it a point

SIMPLE PLEASURES #18:

Interrupting myself with infuriating ad breaks while going about my day as though I were a YouTube video made flesh.

THE SECRETS OF FINAL TOWN 83

THE NEW SIGNAGE #28:

NOTHING BUT A METAPHORICAL ALL-U-CAN-EAT COUNTRY BUFFET NEXT 10,000 MILES.

YOUR DRAWING PROMPT #85:

Here’s a low stress prompt. Draw the first image that pops into someone else’s mind. You don’t even have to think about this one.

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #216:

NEW POLITICAL SCIENCE RESEARCH STRONGLY INDICATES THAT MOST SWING VOTERS ARE WHIMSICAL HOBOS WHO DRUNKENLY LOSE PATIENCE WITH EITHER POLITICAL PARTY WHEN IT INEVITABLY FAILS TO DELIVER THEM TO THE SUMMIT OF BIG ROCK CANDY MOUNTAIN . . . AN EXPERIMENTAL ORBITAL WEAPON MISFIRED OVER THE WEEKEND TOTALLY INCINERATING THE AUSTIN COMEDY SCENE. AN OPEN MIC PERFORMER WHO WAS AN EYEWITNESS TO THE EVENT CLAIMED, “DUDE, IT WAS JUST LIKE THAT SCENE FROM AKIRA. IT WAS SICK AS FUCK. WOULD TOTALLY DO IT AGAIN!” . . . A RECENT INVESTIGATION BY AUTHORITIES FOUND AN UPSURGE IN ILLEGAL DOWNLOADS OF POPULAR MUSIC BY ARTISTS SUCH AS LADY GAGA, BLACKPINK, GREEN DAY, BAD BUNNY, POST MALONE, DOJA CAT, AND TRAVIS SCOTT IS LIKELY ATTRIBUTABLE TO A SIZEABLE POPULATION OF DISGRUNTLED COACHELLA ATTENDEES REALIZING THEY CAN JUST DOWNLOAD THE SHIT OFF THE INTERNET FOR FREE . . .

FANTASY MASHUP FORCE #22:

Chainsaw Man’s Makima vs. George Smiley from those John le Carre novels.

My guess is that Smiley keeps his cool.

But then again, Makima can be very persuasive . . .

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #215:

CUOMO-DROID MODEL TO BE DISCONTINUED AFTER NYC MAYORAL DEFEAT.

F.A.Q. #23:

Q: Headphones or earbuds?

A: I’m wearing earbuds under the headphones.

Ye must always seek to peer beneath the surface of things!

THE SECRETS OF FINAL TOWN 82

THE NEW SIGNAGE #27:

NOTHING BUT MONDAYS NEXT 10,000 MILES.

THINGS NEVER SAID #48:

“Girl, I’m in my Starbucks Basic Psychotic Break with Reality Era!”

THEME MUSIC FOR EVERYTHING #32:

Theme of Gerontocracy: Jurassic Park by “Weird Al” Yankovic

The dinosaurs are running wild . . . in the Congress, the Senate, the Supreme Court, the White House . . .

Yo!

Giant Space Rock!

When you coming back?

I miss you . . .

MONDAY'S DOOR

 . . . I know, I know.

It kinda sucks.

It's a big letdown.

But now you know why it needs all that music to build it up . . .

LOADING SCREEN WISDOM #43:

PR TRAINING IS ESSENTIAL TO PREVAILING ONCE YOU REACH THE GOD LEVEL. YOU MUST OVERCOME YOUR ACTUAL SELF TO BECOME YOUR IDEAL SELF, WHICH MAY HURT. DON’T THINK OF IT AS PAIN AND SUFFERING. THINK OF IT AS AUTHENTICITY LEAVING THE BODY.

BURNING QUESTIONS IN A UNIVERSE OF MYSTERY #92:

If the transporter on the Enterprise breaks down, do they have a spare David Copperfield in cryostorage as a backup?

‘Cause that Copperfield guy made the Statue of Liberty disappear temporarily, but then it was back. I always figured it had something to do with teleportation or whatever. 

And in the future you can clone people, right?

And I think it’s safe to assume refrigeration best practices have only gotten better and better in the future time.

So, you know, I’m just putting the puzzle pieces together.

EVERY DAY IS HALLOWEEN 26: MOUTH FULL OF HOT DOGS

crouching in my space

(an abandoned lot that used to be an Elks Lodge but has now done a sixteen year uninterrupted tour as an illegal dumping ground)

I’m issuing orders and prophecies

mostly

I’m using my gift to prophecy pizzas without paying for ‘em

cheeseburgers, donuts, wine, steaks, hot dogs now and again even though I’m kinda over hot dogs at this point

bring ‘em all right to my space

‘cause I put a voice into some heads that says so

it’s pretty awesome

my buddy

he’s the one that gets off on fomenting wars and bogus end-of-the-world announcements

I don’t approve

but he’s my buddy from way back

all the way from the back of my brain, first memories of loneliness relieved

but yeah

I also get lumped in with him

(likely ‘cause he operates from the back of the dumping ground)

like

I get blame/praise for being a voice of apocalypse

but that’s nothing to do with me

and as far as I know

my buddy doesn’t get any of my pizza action

which I think has to do

with people not able to perceive any sort of human enjoyment of things within an apocalypse pushing god so, of course, my buddy gets no treats, no snacks, no breaks

but I don’t know that for sure

plenty of pizza delivery people

tell me when they bring my pizzas

that they thought a mutant martial arts turtle guy was gonna be waitin’ for ‘em

or that a seductive woman would manifest to lead them into an extradimensional meat processor like that movie where Scarlett Johansson drives around in a rental van

or that they’re walking into an aboveground vampire rave

something like that

and then they might say

that they’re ready for apocalypse

their jobs suck

can’t afford food/rent/doctor/baby/weed/alcohol/tobacco

they got that student debt albatross around their neck

some are in miserable relationships

still others are pessimistic about Climate Inferno and the year round heat dome

a fair few think apocalypse will be like a movie or a video game, a total vibe, why not let it rip

I try to tell ‘em that’s a different being

that they want to talk to my buddy

I try to re-direct them to the back of the dumping ground

and a lot of ‘em get pissed off, start shouting

or lapse into menacing silence,

or they start shooting me with a gun, start shouting

or they have a complete psychological meltdown, start shouting

this one guy told me to go fuck myself, that I was a big phony, and that he-the pizza guy-was the true apocalypse god, and how he was gonna kick my ass, and tear down the world, and later I saw him on the news ‘cause he beat up fifteen out-of-shape cops while burning down a dying mall, and a whole parade of bogus authorities like the President and a police spokesman and all these asinine cable news pundits blamed “Wokeness,” and one reporter said it all had something to do with PCP,

and I’m thinkin’

yeah

I bet it was the PCP

that stuff’s no joke

but I don’t want to worry you

because you should know

I can’t be harmed

so far as I’ve experienced people’s frustrations and flailings

maybe if someone hit me with a nuke

but some pizza guy isn’t likely to get access to atomics,

hard to save up in a job like that,

you’re on a damn hamster wheel in a job like that,

but even if he did

I don’t think it would matter

I’m not that kind of god

my buddy and I have that in common

neither of us are the kinda gods you can kill

so far as I know

I get a lotta people telling me that All is God

that since God is everything

It must also be everyone

and we’re all just make believe creatures bouncing off each other inside God’s mind

and I think

sounds like real PCP talk

but no, I could see that

even if it doesn’t jibe with my own background

which is basically this

I come from this

what would you call it

it’s like the ultimate mouth full of hot dogs

but that’s an oversimplification

but, yeah, it’s like the ultimate mouth full of hot dogs

like if all the people

at all the hot dog eating contests

across all realities

merged

into a singular entity

or maybe it was like they decided

if such things are capable of making a decision

to have like a main spokesbeing or brand ambassador or lifestyle emissary

that would be me

it’s hard to put it in terms which people like yourself find satisfactory

and I apologize for that

I don’t mean to be difficult

but maybe some of you out there can relate

like

did you choose to be a pizza delivery guy

or did circumstances carry you along towards such an end

‘cause pizza delivery guys are needed

I certainly appreciate you

but it’s no kinda dream job in the usual sense 

and, well, the mouths full of hot dogs needed some kind of voice

hard to talk around all those hot dogs, right

so they manifested me

but mouths full of hot dogs

get caught up in things

so they don’t ask much of me

so I crouch in my place

keep myself fed

or rather

I habitually observe the forms of feeding

I don’t actually for real eat

don’t need to

but I like the hurlyburly of food coming my way, the uniformed professionalism of delivery staff, the vibes I trigger by crouching in my place among the commercial wastescape of bygone American retail ambitions, 

lotsa video content people show up ‘cause word spread about how haunted this place feels even if it doesn’t look like much on-camera,

how, 

like, 

a mile from me 

they built this thing called a Museum of Commerce-this one dude who used to work there in the gift shop told me this as he made a very professional pitch about why I should smite the world with billions of rhinoceros sized rats-that’s filled with what looks like this fake set of a once prosperous downtown business district that originally resembled some self-soothing fantasy of Midcentury but has been gradually renovated into this tacky-ass evocation of a bogus Millennium, and, yeah, I kinda want to meet the off-kilter god of that whole jerk-off if it even exists

we could have a real battle of the gods

God of the Illegal Dumping Ground vs God of the Jerkoff Potemkin Museum of Commerce

but that’s just me getting into my anger

I’m not much of a fighter

I’ll cool down soon enough

so yeah

I just crouch in my place

stay “fed”

think about things

try to run it all down

figure things out

lately

I think of myself much more as the God of the Illegal Dumping Ground

more than I think of myself as the God of the Mouth Full of Hot Dogs

because

and I hate to admit this

but I don’t understand what the Mouth Full of Hot Dogs is even saying

I used to, like, freestyle interpret what I thought it was saying

but that led to so many surreal outcomes

like the Jerkoff Potemkin Museum of Congress

that was my fault I’m pretty sure

and my buddy, the God of Apocalypse

who’s really more like a God of Disgruntled Apocalypse Payback Fantasias

yeah, I’m pretty sure I dreamed him up so I could fob people off of my cute ass

but that’s another damn mouthful

but

uh

my efforts to interpret the grunts and chomps and choking noises of the Mouth Full of Hot Dogs have only increased the chaos of this world

which doesn’t seem great

keeps me in pizza

but the downside’s steep

-May 2025-October 2025

THE SECRETS OF FINAL TOWN 81

THE NEW SIGNAGE #26:

SPONTANEOUS OUTPOURING OF FREEFORM SEPTIC TANK METAPHYSICS NEXT 10,000 MILES.

THIS-A-WAY!

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #214:

BURNING GHOST OF JEFFREY EPSTEIN REPORTED TO BE IN TALKS WITH JARED FOGLE TO LAUNCH A GOURMET SUB SANDWICH POP-UP. EPSTEIN IS ALSO PUSHING FORMER BESTIE PRESIDENT TRUMP TO PARDON FOGLE, AS WELL AS R. KELLY AND GHISLAINE MAXWELL, BOTH OF WHOM ARE BEING CONSIDERED AS POTENTIAL CELEBRITY INFLUENCERS FOR A NATIONAL CHAIN LAUNCH . . . IN OTHER NEWS, RECORD NUMBERS OF AMERICAN HOUSEHOLDS ARE NOW CONSIDERED ‘FOOD INSECURE,’ WITH SOME EXPERTS PREDICTING A ‘HUNGER CATASTROPHE’ AS FOOD STAMP PROGRAMS ARE GUTTED BY REPUBLICANS . . . AND WHITE HOUSE PRESS SECRETARY KAROLINE LEAVITT IS BEING CONSIDERED FOR THE ROLE OF ‘CASH ME OUTSIDE GIRL’ IN A POTENTIAL REBOOT OF DR. PHIL STARRING TOM SELLECK . . .

YOUR DRAWING PROMPT #84:

An oblique approach to purposeful vagueness.

"All right, Mr. DeMille, I'm ready for my far-away."

SIMPLE PLEASURES #17:

Eating donuts while reading a Lensman novel.

THE SECRETS OF FINAL TOWN 80

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #213:

PRESIDENT TRUMP-WHO SUPPORTED PUTIN BEFORE OPPOSING HIM-VOICES SUPPORT FOR PUTIN. EXPERTS PREDICT THAT THE AMERICAN PRESIDENT WILL LIKELY ONCE AGAIN OPPOSE THE RUSSIAN DICTATOR BEFORE ONCE AGAIN SUPPORTING HIM. EXPERTS ALSO SAY THAT RUSSIA’S MASS SLAUGHTER OF UKRAINE’S CIVILIAN POPULATION IS LIKELY NOT A SERIOUS FACTOR IN THE AMERICAN PRESIDENT’S THINKING . . . 

FANTASY MASHUP FORCE #21:

The dogs from Audition and Anatomy of a Fall team up to rescue the dog lost in the mines from Where the Green Ants Dream.

F.A.Q. #22:

Q: What’s your favorite Springsteen song?

A: “Last Springsteen” from the Contra: Hard Corps OST.

YOUR DRAWING PROMPT #83:

Darth Vader headbutts people . . . but it’s clear that he intends it not as an attack but as a highly idiosyncratic way of greeting his fans.

FUN YOU CAN HAVE #15:

Stage a production of Shakespeare’s The Tempest where you do the entire text, with no deletions, but you add a guy who sits on stage saying, “No shit . . .” in a tone of impressed bewilderment at the end of all the major speeches and iconic lines.

THINGS NEVER SAID #47:

“I would like to apologize for not being as social lately with all of you fine people, for I have been caught up in a fugue state tunnel entirely constructed out of 1990s nostalgia. This endless fantasia features dialogue scripted by David Mamet and Quentin Tarantino; cinematography by Christopher Doyle; fight choreography by Jerry Springer and Yuen Woo-ping; stop motion animation transformations by Shinya Tsukamoto; costume design by the Gap; an original theme song by Will Smith; original score by Jerry Goldsmith; catering by Subway; toilet by a vintage blue chemical Porta-Potty; a final boss battle by Sephiroth; posture of slackery quasi-defiance of authority by Ben Stiller, Kurt Cobain, and Janeane Garofalo; and flawless direction from Andy Sidaris.The curated tie-in compact disc soundtrack features hot tracks from Garbage, Smash Mouth, 2Pac, Alanis Morissette, Sonic Youth, Alice in Chains, Harvey Danger, Paul Shaffer and the CBS Orchestra, Green Day, Shania Twain, Hole, Dinosaur Jr., Bone Thugs-n-Harmony, The Red Hot Chili Peppers, Aimee Mann, Massive Attack, Fatboy Slim, and Vitamin C-which you can listen to on one of those keypad’n’headphones thingys at your local Sam Goodys and/or Virgin Megastore. The novelization is by Randall Boyll. The laserdisc will be put out by Criterion. The fecalware tie-in video game is by Activision. It’s the best of times, it’s the so-bad-it’s-good of times. I save the Earth from a giant space rock. Jar-Jar Binks is my computer generated sidekick. Me and Oliver Stone down some ‘shrooms while uncovering a JFK conspiracy. Mulder and Scully consult me for my expertise on Mothman and Chupacabra. I option a John Grisham novel’s movie rights. I’m no stranger to the all-u-can-eat pizza buffet. I’m setting trends when I hang out at the mall. I exclusively read airport paperbacks. People think I’m secretly Marilyn Manson. People think I’m the actual author of the latest Stephen King books. People are convinced I’m the “lost” Backstreet Boy. I give Bill Clinton public speaking lessons. I knock out Mike Tyson. People are convinced I’m the “lost” Spice Girl. I’m accused of writing Letterman’s Top Ten Lists. I’m blamed for Jay Leno’s blandness. People keep asking me why Charles Grodin got serious. There’s a rumor that I keep trying to get Tom Snyder to light up once again on camera, standards and practices be damned. I’m invited to join O.J. Simpson’s legal dream team. Bill Gates personally updates my operating system-which then becomes a satirical episode in a Douglas Coupland novel. At the peak of my fame and relevancy, I am officially mutated into a prime time Ninja Turtle Power Ranger. As a low key follow-up project I do a penetrating interview with the dude who wrote that End of History book. In my precipitous decline, my fanbase deserts me, claims I’m nothing but trash reality shows, and that I don’t even play music videos anymore. I end as I began: a living punchline. So, you know, it’s great to finally be back just in time to cash in on the current 1990s nostalgia wave . . .”

THE SECRETS OF FINAL TOWN 79

COMICS REVIEW: LAWNS (2018)

Written and drawn by Alex Nall

Book design by Mike Freiheit.

Edited by Jon Mastantuono.

Published by Kilgore Books in July 2018.

. . .

“The whole town is crazy right now. It’s shameful the way people are treating each other. It’s enough to make you stop going outside. Things were different-back when you were here . . . What happened to the people that used to care for one another-the sense of decency and care. I’m beginning to wonder if it was ever here in the first place-or if it’s just something I imagined."

-caption text from Lawns (2018)

. . .

Review by William D. Tucker.

Lawns is a creator-owned black and white comic book or graphic novel that depicts a contentious small town mayoral contest. If I may resort to a vapid cliche I would sum up Lawns as “deceptively simple.” It’s a little over one hundred pages, and everything you need to comprehend it lies between its two covers. This is not like the endless corporate superhero soap operas of Marvel and DC. The art style is, at first glance, studiously unimpressive in its depiction of dirt poor working class people playing out their existences in a rural Illinois no-place. But if you read it through to the end you may find these lives rich with struggles, delusions, and hopes for the future.

There’s a town of 187 souls in some kind of nowhere-doesn’t even have a name. You have to drive sixteen miles southeast to a town called Sandbag for a grocery store. This is all according to the handy worldbuilding map on the back of the cover. Not a castle or a dragon in sight.

Allegedly, everybody knows everyone . . . but it’s not really like that. Everyone’s in close proximity, sure, but everyone’s also a prisoner of their own perceptions. 

There’s a guy named Chuck who has run unopposed and been elected and re-elected mayor over and over again. Chuck owns a tile and lumber store. Chuck’s hair is white, now, but it was still black when he first got sworn in. Aside from that-and a developing heart problem-not much has changed for Chuck. At one point, according to Chuck, the state was going to build a landfill nearby, bring in a bunch of decent paying sanitation jobs. But Chuck claims he argued against it, not wanting his beloved hometown to be defined by trash. This was, seemingly, Chuck’s last notable achievement as mayor, his last great stand, but that was a minute ago. Now, he faces a set of challenges to his long tenure in office. 

There’s a rogue canine shitting on people’s lawns. A kid has been bitten by that dog-or maybe it was some other mutt. The weird guy who owns the shithound-Roger-also refuses to properly maintain his yard. Roger’s next door neighbor is Carl, who installs windows for his living. Carl is tired of Roger’s recklessly pooping dog and his overgrown lawn. Carl also thinks Chuck is weak shit as mayor. Carl decides to run for office. 

Of course, weird guy Roger has his own perspective on things. He wouldn’t describe himself as weird. He just knows what he wants out of life. Roger likes his dog. Roger likes dogs in general. Roger does not like it when kids torment dogs with bottle rockets. Roger likes his overgrown lawn. Roger isn’t put off by bugs and wild animals. Roger isn’t looking for a fight, but he just does not give a fuck what other people think. We find out about Roger’s past, and why it is he values what he values in life.

The kid who got bit-Joshua-seems to have needlessly provoked the dog into attacking him. Joshua’s injuries cost his father eight hundred dollars at the hospital. Joshua’s father ends up beating him with a belt in frustration. I guess Joshua’s dad is fine paying for the injuries he himself inflicts. 

Joshua and Roger have quite a bit in common. Roger grew up with an abusive father and a mother who didn’t have much interest in him. So Roger struck out on his own, developing self-sufficiency at the cost of social graces. Roger lives in his head most of the time aside from the connections he makes with dogs and the natural world. Joshua, too, seems to be on track to become a runaway as the story unfolds.

Mildred, an impoverished elderly woman with back problems, is Roger’s one substantial human connection. Mildred spends her days writing letters to her long dead husband, Walter. Actually, it isn’t entirely clear if Mildred and Walter were ever married, or if Walter even actually existed, but her letters are sincerely written. Mildred’s nostalgic for a kinder, gentler past that she fully acknowledges might be a total fantasy. She has a car. She drives herself and Walter to the grocery store in Sandbag at regular intervals.

Carl runs a mean-spirited campaign against Chuck. At one point he stands by the road holding up a sign that says, “FUCK CHUCK.” One of Carl’s supporters puts up a more politically correct sign that says, “F**K CHUCK.” Chuck’s tough messaging seems to strike a chord with people who are tired of the same old cheese and crackers year after year.

But other people in town appreciate the benign stasis of Chuck’s eternal reign as mayor. Chuck’s super nice, after all, brings people cookies as part of his campaign outreach, doesn’t stoop to Carl’s gutter politics. Still other potential voters simply do not care. I won’t reveal the outcome, but the election ends up having the lowest turnout in the nameless town’s history. Amusingly, it might be the case that we end up seeing all of the participating voters over the course of Lawns’ 101 pages, so the turnout might be in low double or high single digits. 

Carl may put some readers in mind of Donald Trump, but remember that Carl actually works for a living. Trump inherited his fortune. Carl installs windows, and he seems to be good at it. Trump, who occupied the White House back in 2018 when Lawns was published as he does in the present year of 2025, has never had a real job, nor has he demonstrated any bankable skills aside from seeking attention from mass media outlets. Carl’s a jerk in how he goes after Chuck, but he can only exert so much influence in an impoverished town of 187 people. When Carl comes back down to earth after the high of his campaign, well, he has to be able to look other people in the eye. These limits are, perhaps, stifling, but they arguably put guard rails around a man tap dancing on the border between being a public servant and mutating into a demagogue.

All of this seems to be taking place in some hazily defined early 1990s. No internet. No (anti)social media to stoke conspiracy theories and online hate mobs. People gossip. People talk shit on the (landline)phone or in person. But they still have to face their neighbors. Even Roger and Mildred-oddballs who live in their heads-have to leave their houses to buy stuff and socialize. Carl’s girlfriend ditches him over his self-absorption and gutter politics. Chuck’s wife questions whether or not being the Forever Mayor is worth the stress. People are accountable to other people in their actual meatspace lives in Lawns, as opposed to an algorithm, a cadre of billionaire Dark Money puppeteers, or a rigid ideology. 

Lawns is not romantic in its depiction of its sparsely populated no-place. I think writer/artist Alex Nall is taking the “warts-and-all” approach. But Nall is also reminding us of how things might work in a world where you could not entirely deny the existence of the reality external to your perceptions and prejudices. It’s something worth considering.

ANGEL ON A STICK.

 

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #212:

ENTERTAINMENT SCOOP: TONY ROBBINS IN TALKS TO VOICE DARTH VADER . . . JRPG PROTAGONIST EXPRESSES MILD REGRETS OVER KILLING GOD, FRUSTRATION ABOUT ‘PEAKING TOO EARLY’ . . . RIYADH COMEDY FESTIVAL LINEUP BOOKED TO PERFORM FOR VLADIMIR PUTIN IN MOSCOW AND JEFFREY EPSTEIN IN THE NINTH CIRCLE . . .

THE NEW SIGNAGE #25:

IMPROMPTU REGENCY ERA DANCE CONTEST NEXT 10,000 MILES.

YOUR DRAWING PROMPT #82:

A meats-and-bones plumber refuses to be replaced by a liquid plumber.

FANTASY MASHUP FORCE #20:

Darth Vader throws Green Goblin pumpkin bombs at Luke Skywalker. Luke fends them off with his lightsaber. So Vader cranks his chainsaw. Lotta sparks . . .

FUN YOU CAN HAVE #14:

If you have a Green Goblin action figure there is no known law preventing you from buying a bag of those little candy pumpkins to use as throwable pumpkin bombs to blast that pesky Spider-Man into Arachnid Heaven.

Spider-Man action figure sold separately.

THE SECRETS OF FINAL TOWN 78

A LIGHT IN THE COMMERCIAL WASTELAND.

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #211:

LAWYERS FOR REEKING PILE OF DOGSHIT THREATEN TO SUE ANYONE WHO CONTINUES TO PUBLICLY COMPARE AND/OR CONFUSE THEIR CLIENT WITH CONGRESSIONAL REPUBLICANS.

THINGS NEVER SAID #46:

“Well, boys, it’s out of the picnic and into the picnic basket!”

YOUR DRAWING PROMPT #81:

The map of all map makers.

SIMPLE PLEASURES #16:

Reading a Harley Quinn comic and a Captain America comic back-to-back for contrasting views of freedom.

VISION STATEMENT 2

 

THE SECRETS OF FINAL TOWN 77

 

LOADING SCREEN WISDOM #42:

FIGHTING IN HELL IS, OF COURSE, DANGEROUS, BUT THE WEIRD REALITY OF THE PLACE FACILITATES DEVELOPMENT OF BIZARRE NEW POWERS AND POTENT NEW FIGHTING TECHNIQUES. PROCEED WITH CAUTION, BUT STAY ALIVE TO THE EXTREME POSSIBILITIES.

BURNING QUESTIONS IN A UNIVERSE OF MYSTERY #91:

How come we never get one of these Jeopardy champions to run for President?

Could be worth a shot . . .

THE NEW SIGNAGE #24:

ERODING FAITH IN HUMAN FUTURE ON PLANET EARTH NEXT 10,000 MILES.

YOUR DRAWING PROMPT #80:

A networking event indistinguishable from a car crash conclave.

FANTASY MASHUP FORCE #19:

A remake of The Irishman where the three leads are played by Easter Island moai statues . . .

THE NEW DREAM #47:

something to do

with

eerie microwave popcorn

that pops itself

but seems super resentful about it

and I’m frustrated

‘cause I’m perfectly willing to put it in the microwave, press the buttons, it’s all good

cut to

bewildering multi-generational strife

it’s fine

THE SECRETS OF FINAL TOWN 76

THE NEW OBVIOUS #41:

The main planks of the Trump/Republican/MAGA domestic platform are as follows:

-Throwing vaccines in the trash

-Climate change denial

-Burning down cancer research

-Burning down evidence based education

-Bankrupting farmers with tariffs

-Driving up the costs of housing, healthcare, and food

-Persecuting immigrant workers whose blood, sweat, and tears make the actual economy-not the stock market-run

-Violating 1st Amendment freedoms in order to shut down criticism, satire, and dissent

. . . and all of this seems calculated to create a country full of sick, silent, impoverished people with no access to knowledge and no hope for the future.

But the stock market’s doing great. So there’s that.

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #210:

GHISLAINE MAXWELL TO LAUNCH GOOP-A-LIKE LIFESTYLE BRAND IN ANTICIPATION OF FULL PARDON FROM EPSTEIN BESTIE TRUMP.

THE NEW SIGNAGE #23:

SIGNS FEATURING THE NUMBER 10,000 NEXT 10,000 MILES.

YOUR DRAWING PROMPT #79:

The false dawn of a staff roll fake-out.

FANTASY MASHUP FORCE #18:

Die Hard on the head of a pin sticking out of Hellraiser’s Pinhead . . .

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #209:

IN A HIGHLY NUANCED INTERVIEW, CANCER EXPRESSES CONFLICTING OPINIONS ABOUT THE TRUMP ADMINISTRATION. “ON THE ONE HAND, I’M GRATEFUL FOR THE DEMOLITION OF ANTI-CANCER RESEARCH AND DEVELOPMENT . . . BUT IF PEOPLE CAN’T AFFORD FOOD AND HOUSING THEN THEY’RE NOT LIKELY TO LIVE LONG ENOUGH TO ALLOW ME TO GROW AND FLUORISH . . .”

THE SECRETS OF FINAL TOWN 75

EMERGENCE #5:

. . . sitting across from Libby and Snak, the silly hat at the center of the table, a yellow legal pad directly in front of me.

Moments before: Snak, Libby, and myself each carefully cutting up a sheet from the yellow legal pad.

We’re all looking at each other. And then we’re all reaching into the silly hat at the same time.

Moments before: Snak, Libby, and myself all trying to reach into the silly hat at the same time, and then we all immediately back away-who should go first, right?

We all back away from the silly hat, and not for the first time.

Moments before: a vision of the carefully cut strips of yellow legal pad paper floating up out of the silly hat, twisting and tumbling up through the air. I see a strip with the words CLIMBING DOWN printed in black ink seeming to present itself directly to my eyes.

Of course, I end up reaching into the silly hat first. My slip says SHOPPING EXPEDITION, but it’s not in my block printing style. I’m pretty sure it’s Libby’s spidery quasi-cursive style . . . 

CLIMBING DOWN . . .

Now Snak’s reaching into the silly hat . . .

CLIMBING DOWN . . .

Libby’s reaching into the silly hat . . .

CLIMBING DOWN . . .

All three of us look at our slips, look at each other, and now we’re back to the dilemma of who should go first . . .

F.A.Q. #21:

Q: William, what is best in life?

A: Playing Super Nintendo.

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #208:

CLEANUP EFFORTS STILL UNDERWAY FROM COAST TO COAST AFTER NATION WIDE VOMIT WAVE UNLEASHED BY THE RELEASE OF THE “BAWDY” EPSTEIN BIRTHDAY BOOK. IN A RELATED STORY, TRUMP IS SEEKING TO NATIONALIZE PIXAR TO PRODUCE A FEATURE LENGTH ANIMATED FILM OF THE EPSTEIN BIRTHDAY BOOK . . .

YOUR DRAWING PROMPT #78:

A sapient microchip infused with genetically-modified coelacanth DNA that orders only the most spectacularly sugary milkshake-esque coffee-adjacent beverage at the chain coffee shop for breakfast and lunch, followed by a sensible dinner.

FANTASY MASHUP FORCE #17:

Die Hard in a grain of sand . . .

THE NEW SIGNAGE #22:

MADDENING LOOP OF YESTERYEAR’S TOP 40 HITS NEXT 10,000 MILES.

THE SECRETS OF FINAL TOWN 74

SIMPLE PLEASURES #15:

Reading the Event Horizon novelization while listening to the Hausu OST.

THE NEW OBVIOUS #40:

Trump truly loved his friend Epstein. He loved him so much he drew him a custom birthday card. And now the entire public has seen this magical card. 

Now you know what caused that nationwide tidal wave of vomit this week.

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #207:

“IT’S ACTUALLY QUITE COZY.” IN A NEW INTERVIEW, TRUMP BESTIE EPSTEIN CLAIMS SPIRITUAL HELLFIRE DOESN’T CAUSE ANY PAIN IF YOU DON’T HAVE A CONSCIENCE.

YOUR DRAWING PROMPT #77:

A county-sized tire fire.

THE NEW SIGNAGE #21:

MADDENING GAME OF I SPY NEXT 10,000 MILES.

FANTASY MASHUP FORCE #16:

Charles Bronson vs. the Garbage Pail Kids . . .

THE SECRETS OF FINAL TOWN 73

THE NEW OBVIOUS #39:

When someone claims they’ve undergone “ego death” they inevitably become twice as self-important as they were when their ego was alive.

Presumably, the id is now in charge.

And don’t even ask about the super-ego. 

This is basically what happens to the monster in an episode of Power Rangers.

At first, the monster is roughly human sized. And then it gets defeated, it explodes, and then it comes back really big to get defeated again by the Megazords. 

So, whether you realize it or not, you may have grown up witnessing ego deaths on TV.

The ego gets whacked, and now the id of self-aggrandizement has been loosed upon the world.

It’s how it goes.

Have your titanic fighting machines ready to inflict the “id death” to complete the cycle . . .

SIMPLE PLEASURES #14:

That moment you stop looking for cryptids, and you become the cryptid.

PRECIPITOUS UPTICK IN YOUR PHOTOBOMBING ACTIVITIES . . .

LOADING SCREEN WISDOM #41:

ONCE YOU DEFEAT GOD CONSIDER SPARING HIS LIFE. HE MAKES FOR AN OKAY SUMMONS ATTACK IF YOU TRAIN HIM UP PROPER DURING NEW GAME+.

BURNING QUESTIONS IN A UNIVERSE OF MYSTERY #90:

Do I need to actually watch the movie, or can I just stare at the poster for a long time and imagine my own version of the film inside my head?

THE NEW OBVIOUS #38:

Everyone is now walking around with their faces pointed down into screens.

All ages, all professions-no one’s watching where they’re going.

Someone could decide to go about with a club, whacking people on the head, robbing all of their shit, and no one would be able to provide a description of the attacker.

It’s amusing that things have come to this point.

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #206:

NEW POLLING INDICATES MOST AMERICANS OKAY WITH LIVING IN A FAILED STATE RULED BY DELUSIONAL, INCOMPETENT OLIGARCHS SO LONG AS THEY DON’T HAVE TO FEEL EMOTIONS.

NEW MERCH #5:

SPECIAL EDITION PHYSICAL MEDIA

Two Disc DVD.

All plastic components of case and discs sourced from certified Tyrannosaurus Rex bones.

Director’s commentary featuring life changing philosophical discourse from one of our finest living filmmakers.

Feature length behind the scenes making of documentary detailing the triumphs, tribulations, scandals, deaths, births, house warmings, guerilla warfare, high speed pursuits, fiery car crashes, tantalizing cryptid sightings, unexplained phenomena, ominous signs, propitious portents, and all sorts of things infinitely more interesting than the movie itself which was really just a too too precious attempt to make this generation’s widely praised people talking kind of movie-like Scenes From A Marriage or something like that.

So many deleted scenes that you could edit them into a new movie far superior to the actual movie you’re supposed to watch.

Coupons for pizza and energy drinks.

A sense of belonging.

Collectible packaging.

MAY NOT INCLUDE ACTUAL FILM.

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #205:

NEW SCIENTIFIC FINDINGS CAST DOUBT ON WHETHER MAGIC TEETH COME FROM FOREVER.

FANTASY MASHUP FORCE #15:

Take the music videos for Fatboy Slim’s “Right Here, Right Now” and Pearl Jam’s “Do the Evolution” and switch the songs around . . .

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #204:

CUTOUT CHEATING CRISIS ROCKS WORLD POCKET POOL CHAMPIONSHIPS.

THE SECRETS OF FINAL TOWN 72

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #203:

“I LIKE THE SHINY STUFF.” LAVISH, USELESS TRINKETS PROVOKE PRESIDENTIAL CORRUPTION CRISIS.

EMERGENCE #4:

. . . at some point in the far future, you are superdead and ultragone-

But somehow you’re also looking back on the multiple lifetimes you conned and carved out of what you thought-at the time-was your one meager physical existence.

I just had that one existence, you think to yourself. Barely that. But I got major return on investment, didn’t I?

You laugh-you can’t really laugh-but you do your own version of laughing, and then you try to shut that down. You think you should be a lot more serious about things. But then you’re doing your version of laughing again. You think maybe you should just give yourself over to laughing, because then you’ll stop. Everyone knows the harder you try to clamp it down the longer you’ll be laughing. So just let it play itself out . . . but then you’re doing your own version of laughing for a very, very, very long time. It gets to be a problem for you. And you go right on laughing. Even longer, across vast stretches of time that, back in your primes, would’ve been considered unseemly stagnations of world-historical human endeavor-

But you do stop. 

You do get back to being serious.

You have no choice, not like you would have wanted, because at this far future point on the timeline you ended up being the final author of things, didn’t you?

All laughed out, you decided to focus all of your mental power on backing things up to a point on the timeline where you felt you had more of a choice about things-where there was more of a sense of adventure, and beckoning horizons, and discoveries lying in wait like statues inside rocks . . .

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #202:

ADVICE/LIFESTYLE COLUMN: AS A SHANIA TWAIN, I RECENTLY REJECTED A MAN WHO IDENTIFIED HIMSELF AS A BRAD PITT. I WASN’T IMPRESSED AT THE TIME, BUT NOW I WONDER: WAS I TOO HARSH?

MANDATORY RULE #17:

All TV shows-whether they be scripted or unscripted, fictional or non-fictional-must include an episode depicting a freeze-in-place beam of some kind. This entails an elaborately designed person-portable raygun that, when fired, causes the target to freeze in place with a minimum of special effects and camera tricks. The target stops moving, locked into a pose evoking mid-movement. The target holds this pose until hit with an anti-freeze-in-place beam or the freeze-in-place beam raygun that has affected the target has been destroyed. There are no exceptions to this rule.

This I command!

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #201:

REPUBLICANS ADVANCE BILL REQUIRING FETUSES TO PROVIDE EITHER PROOF OF CURRENT EMPLOYMENT OR PROOF OF ACTIVE JOB-SEEKING BEFORE BEING ALLOWED TO MISCARRY.

F.A.Q. #20:

Q: Do you think 69 should be replaced by 79?

A: No.

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #200:

NEW LAW REQUIRES ALL PEOPLE WHO MERELY SCAN HEADLINES TO BE CHARGED THE SAME FEES AS REGULAR SUBSCRIBERS.

YOUR DRAWING PROMPT #76:

Pyramidal parameters.

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #199:

“SOMETIMES, YOU HAVE TO LET THE ONE YOU LOVE THE MOST GO FREE.” IN A SEARING NEW INTERVIEW, THE HELLFIRE SHROUDED GHOST OF EPSTEIN TALKS ABOUT THE PAIN OF WATCHING HIS FORMER WINGMAN DONALD TRUMP MAKE BESTIES WITH VLADIMIR PUTIN.

GHOSTS COMPLAIN . . . (#3)

. . . when they realize they’re dead and therefore will never enjoy earthly pleasures ever again, and then they complain when they come back from the dead and realize they gotta deal with things like job, toilet paper, dusting, doomscrolling, Climate Inferno, pain-in-the-ass friends who resent their recent absence, ever evolving youth slang that they don’t have the patience to track, endless sequelizations of yesteryear’s pop culture franchises, the housing affordability crisis, the price of eggs, AI hallucinations spreading catastrophic disinformation, the erosion of democracy, creeping autocracy, rising water lines . . .

People complain.

Even as they’re back from the dead . . .

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #198:

NEW POLLING INDICATES MOST AMERICANS FINE WITH A NEWLY EMERGENT PANDEMIC PATHOGEN OR A RADICAL RESURGENCE OF OLD FAVORITES LIKE MEASLES OR TUBERCULOSIS IF IT MEANS THEY DON’T HAVE TO GET BACK UP.

FANTASY MASHUP FORCE #14:

A Starship Troopers fan made music video cut to the theme song from Bugsnax.

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #197:

“I AM NOT ONE OF YOUR CHEAP SATURDAY NIGHT PICKUPS, DONALD!” PUTIN DEMANDS TRUMP BREAK UP WITH BESTIE EPSTEIN-CURRENTLY BURNING IN HELL-BEFORE HE AGREES TO MURDEROUSLY STEAL MORE LAND FROM THE PEOPLE OF UKRAINE.

THE SECRETS OF FINAL TOWN 71

 

NOTIONAL HEADLINE #196:

ADVICE/LIFESTYLE COLUMN: I RECENTLY REVEALED MYSELF TO BE BRAD PITT TO SHANIA TWAIN. SHE WASN’T IMPRESSED. HOW DO I MOVE ON FROM THIS HEARTBREAK?

EMERGENCE #3:

. . . you find a book.

You read its table of contents. It strikes you as familiar.

You’re reminded of the time you wrote a book based on a loose table of contents that had fallen out of an old paperback book.

You do some research. 

You realize that this book you’ve come across was written the same way and around the same time you wrote your book extrapolated from a rogue table of contents.

In fact, this other book was published slightly earlier than your book-it reached shelves about two months before yours did.

Moreover, no one seems to have noticed that your book and this other book were written as extrapolations from the table of contents pages of other books.

You feel a certain frustration that you and your endeavors are not as unique as you once thought . . . but then you feel amusement that you and this other author seem to be members of a secret club of two.

And then you wonder if there could be others . . .

And then you wonder if you should seek each other out . . .

It could be amusing to do so . . .