HUMPDAY THINGS I LIKE #5:

I like it in the action movies when the protagonist invades the villain's secret base with a submachine gun, and just starts blazing away at the heavily armed paramilitary henchmen-buncha damn greedy mercenaries-and all the high tech control panels and so forth. And then there's this moment-it doesn't always happen-there's this moment when the protagonist is just shooting a random gun-toting bad guy with just, like, hundreds of bullets. And there's all these squibs packed with crimson corn syrup and raw liver and raw hamburger and chicken gizzards popping off, and he's, like-the bad guy getting shot-he's like getting all blasted right in front of some kind of a high-tech control console-screens, meters, gauges, readouts, sliders, blinking lights, printout tapestries-and, y'know, the imaginary bullets are going through the bad guy, and the control panel is sparking off-like machine squibs, y'know? And, like, there's this thing that happens-it doesn't always happen-but there's this moment when you can sorta see where, like, the sparks merge with the crimson corn syrup and the raw liver and the chunks of hamburger and chicken gizzards and-this doesn't always happen-but if you pause the DVD, and you go frame by frame, you can just discern a new being coming through the screen, okay? It's like a . . . uh . . . like a mash-up of the machine squib outputs and the meats squib outputs-these two kinds of ersatz death and if you can catch that frame just so, okay . . . and this is where you have to make a bit of a perceptual leap . . . but if you can catch that merging of the two kinds of onscreen ersatz death-machine and meats-then that creates a metaphysical suck that'll drain a certain amount of real world death-machine and meats-which will help extend the life of your DVD player and, y'know, is good for the overall health of your home entertainment setup, right, which should be obvious. And, also obvious, it can give you back a few months on your lifespan. Which isn't nothing. But you wanna be careful, 'cause if your cat or your dog or your brat is between you and the screen then, y'know, they'll catch the benefit instead of you. So just keep that in mind, you should do fine.