by William D. Tucker.
Get out the checkers board.
Enemies are closing in from all sides!
Choose red or black
Defend yourself!
The color you don't choose is Enemy.
Decide the kind of enemies you prefer to have encircling you.
Get more checkers boards and plenty of checkers.
Do you prefer being overwhelmed by robot hordes?
Surround yourself on all sides with the boards.
Maybe you want to fend off lots of nibbly little showdogs?
Remember whether you've chosen red or black.
This could be one of them thar workplace persecution fantasies-you know where all your coworkers gang up on you like a zombie horde or some torch'n'pitchfork villagers outta some Frankenflick?
You're going to be playing multiple games of checkers all at once.
You could be a gangster making a final stand against a swarm of rival gangsters.
Roll a six-sided die.
Maybe you're a meter maid besieged by pissed-off people you've ticketed for running out their parking meters.
On a roll of one to three you're you.
Lots of ways to get down.
On a roll of four to six you're Enemy.
Imagine your enemies in as much detail as you can stomach.
Each time you make a move as either yourself or Enemy, roll a six-sided die.
What kind of weapons are they using?
On a roll of one to three you sincerely attempt to win whether you're playing as yourself or Enemy by taking as much time as you need to decide your move.
Why are they trying to kill you?
On a roll of four to six you impulsively make your move within a second without any thought or consideration whether you're playing as yourself or Enemy.
If they kill you, how will they celebrate?
After you make your first move according to the six-sided die and whatever discretion permitted to you by the rolls . . . roll the die again: one to three means you take another turn; four to six means you move to the next board and start the sequence anew.
If they are not given to celebrations, ask yourself what they're getting out of this all-out attack?
Proceed in this fashion until either red or black prevails-you win or Enemy wins.
What motivates your enemies: hatred, vengeance, money, sadism, duty, fear of punishment, strange beliefs, normal beliefs, weird voices of no fixed source, God, Satan, someone they met in a public restroom over a cociane bump followed by a truly great convo about the possibility spaces opened up by crypto currencies-and ask yourself if your enemies' motivations matter to you, 'cause sometimes trouble is just trouble, y'know?
If you win as yourself or as Enemy roll a six sided die: one to three means "Solemn and Honorable Burial" which means you meticulously gather up all your surviving pieces into regimented rows and you delicately place all the Enemy/Yourself pieces into a box before your assembled troops and you give a solemn speech to honor the dead; four to six means "Festival of Bestial Abandon" which means you must joyously desecrate the corpses of your Enemy/Yourself by picking them up and throwing them and howling obscenities while smashing them with the boards-go apeshit, do as thou wilt so long as you are acting out the part of a Sore Winner.
Is there one Boss Enemy controlling all the other enemies, or is this a spontaneous, emergent surge of enemy all over your ass?
If you have just defeated your Enemy or yourself, and you have just completed the "Festival of Bestial Abandon" roll a six sided die: one to three means the game is over, you've won; four to six means "A Force of Vengeance Has Arrived" and you must start the game all over again.
Do you deserve this attack, or are you a victim?
If you have just defeated your Enemy or yourself, and you have just observed a "Solemn and Honorable Burial" roll a six sided die: one to three means the game is over, you've won; four to six means you are both haunted and transfixed by your great glory and you must therefore set up the boards and the checkers to relive it all again . . . except the pieces of the defeated side-Yourself or Enemy-may not be used. You may only set up half the checkers and attempt to start the entire process over using "Invisible Checkers" to represent phantoms of the defeated side. If you can keep track of Invisible Checkers proceed as normal. But if you start to lose track of the Invisible Checkers allow yourself to feel that whatever that is, and either continue to play or stop playing or go for a walk or break everything to pieces . . . you have arrived at a place of Total Discretion.
Now, decide how you'll respond to Enemy!
If, once you have achieved Total Discretion, you choose to continue to play you may observe all or none of the rules as you see fit. You may even invent New Rules. For instance, you may swap out checkers for chess or Battleship or Risk or Stratego or The Omega Virus. You may re-roll the die. It's entirely up to you.
Will you kill them all with extreme violence?
Under no circumstances may you involve another sentient being-human, animal, deity, machine-in your play even once you've achieved Total Discretion. You must only play against yourself both as yourself and as Enemy at all times.
Will you just knock 'em all out like a Comics Code Authority Approved superhero?
You may freely roleplay as yourself and as Enemy however you see fit just so long as you observe all other rules.
Will you run for the hills?
If you find yourself stuck playing through the game over and over again you are not permitted to keep track of time even if you have achieved Total Discretion.
Once you arrive at the hills will you keep running for the hills beyond the hills?
OPTIONAL RULE: Anytime you roll a three or a six you must instantly switch sides where applicable.
Once you've decided on how you will respond to Enemy, I want you to act it all out all on your own.
OPTIONAL RULE: You may break the rules, but for every rule you break you must carry an equal number of rocks in your pockets for the rest of your days.
Not in public.
OPTIONAL RULE: For every rule you follow you must carry an equal number of rocks in your pockets for the rest of your days . . . because rules are for suckers.
Find a private space.
OPTIONAL RULES: For every Enemy/Yourself checker you "defeat" you must be haunted by an equal number of ghosts of the fallen in your nightmares for the rest of your days.
If all you have in terms of privacy is your imagination then let your mind be the space of action.
In conclusion, if you find yourself tantalized by the possibilities of what you could have been doing instead of playing this game . . . well . . . maybe that grass would have indeed been greener. No way to know, really . . .
