I was too shitfaced to drive to Waffle House
so I walked across the highway to IHOP
even tho' I'd pooped my pants just a little bit
not a lotta bit
but they know me at Waffle House
if I come in smelling wrong
I'd never live it down
in the IHOP
sits one man
no one else is there
I ask the one man
who is just staring at a plate of pristine pancakes
if I'm too early
he shakes his head
I guess that's no
I ask him if he's going to eat those pancakes
he looks up at me
says,
"I've disrupted pancakes."
I'm like what
"I've disrupted pancakes."
I don't know what that is
"These are verified pancakes. The kitchen has to pay a monthly fee."
I'm like the kitchen workers paid for the pancakes
"No. I fired all the workers. The kitchen paid to verify these pancakes."
someone's in the kitchen-
"No. The kitchen paid. I disrupted . . . I . . . I was a man of science. I . . . placed a very high value on truth. But . . . I . . . I swear I disrupted that kitchen. And these pancakes. I swear."
I go into the kitchen area
it's a fuckin' mess
a real home economics disaster zone
I go back to the guy
"You see now. I never made anything in my life. But I made these pancakes. I . . . disrupted . . ."
and then he clamps his hands over his mouth
I thought he was gonna vomit
but the guy just starts screaming and sobbing and gibbering into his hands
he doesn't do a very good job of keeping a lid on his shit
but it's the tears coming out of his eyes that gets me
that makes me wanna hitchhike to Waffle House
but I just can't stop watching this guy lose his mind
there's a surprising amount of entertainment value going on here
but the guy spends himself
he takes his hands off his mouth
he gestures vaguely at me with his hand
"So. You know this place. You see how we've improved upon it. How we've disrupted it. Ah-heh. You wanna come work for me?"
like a job
"Sure. Why not?"
you mean like in the kitchen-
"No. The kitchen's already working. I want to hire you . . . to do my crying."
I'm like-
-but then he's just howling with laughter
and slamming his forehead down again and again shattering the plate of pancakes with his skull
shouting
"DISRUPT!DISRUPT!DISRUPT!HOO-HOO!COO-CHOO!DISRUPT!DISRUPT!"
-and I got the fuck outta there
walked all the way to Waffle House
which wasn't that far
actually
