i tell you
i just want a place
for my dog to shit
preferably public slash institutional slash government property
somewhere in the vicinity of the county courthouse
if a judge stepped in it, that would be fine
also the campus of a state university would work for me
i
my small self
i really get off on some humanities professor tracking turd all over the place
so long as it's on the public's dime
that's the most important detail of this dream
oh, oh, oh
and the big finale
that's important, too,
it's actually
if i'm honest
the only part that's worth a damn
that's worth sharing from the dream
which is mostly endlessly winding corridor traversals with a moderate lift sensation to it like i'm manifesting a smooth-ass hover effect
but all that's tedious-as-fuck to describe even if it feels awesome
just go play Rez or the original Doom
-so, i'll just skip to the Big Finale
the part worth telling
because that's where the authorities get to have their worthless say
by holding my ass to account by a kind of outdoor kangaroo court
which i laugh to scorn
by picking up my dog and squeezing it so it shotguns doodoo all over the place,
which is a great scene, by the way-
but they think
at first
that they're putting me in my place
that they got some kinda power over me
and they've got everybody
the University President
the board of regents
got the gray haired ancients who endow everything
the campus police are all lined up, ready for action with all their phony macho posturing 'cause they know they're not real cops
you've got research sociologists and anthropologists documenting the big confrontation
there's the team from the evening news
you've got silly ass student protesters who still have ideals and shit
and a bunch of slimy College Republicans
and some apolitical students there recording everything for ass kissy extra credit assignments just to please teacher
and here I am
the focus of everybody's attention
the big fuckin' deal of the moment
and my dog is just shittin' away
shittin' all over every last surface
it's impressive
and everybody's so mad
so worked up
they're all shouting at me,
"HOW DARE YOU! THIS IS AN AFFRONT TO DECENCY! THIS IS A STAIN ON CAPITALISM! THIS IS THE FINAL DEGRADATION OF AMERICAN CULTURE! SOMEBODY PASS LOCAL REGULATIONS! QUICK, WE NEED FEDERAL LEGISLATION! NO, NO, WE MUST ABOLISH GOVERNMENT BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT GOT US INTO THIS MESS! LET'S ALL SMOKE LEGAL WEED! WE NEED THE SPECIAL WEAPONS AND TACTICS TEAM TO TAKE OVER! I MISS BEING IN HIGH SCHOOL! I WATCH MOVIES ON MY PHONE! IF YOU DON'T CLEAN UP ALL THIS DOGSHIT WE'LL PULL YOUR FUNDING! ZERO STARS! SNACKS WILL NOT BE PROVIDED! THIS IS TERRIFIC PODGRIFT MATERIAL! IF A DOG CAN JUST SHIT ANYWHERE AT ALL THEN THAT'S BASICALLY A SIGN OF THE APOCALYPSE! FOUR STARS!"
oh, it's a regular riot scene
everybody's gettin' so worked up
they lose their balance
start slippin' and fallin' in the dogshit
and then it gets artsy
everyone rips off their clothes, starts rubbing dogshit all over their bodies, they launch into modern dance motifs
-frankly, i didn't like this part
it was like some artsy movie
like i don't like that
when i go to the movies
i want to feel like the people on the screen are there to serve me
not like i'm there to revere some egotist big shit movie fuck
i hate that shit
like with Ingmar Bergman? or Akira Kurosawa? or David Lynch?
fuck those guys
me buying a ticket pays for your ass, motherfuckers, you ought to be worshipping me, worshipping every last penny i spent on your dreary exercises in masturbatory self-regard,
i mean
if i really wanted to
i could do a YouTube video essay about how much you all suck
burn all of your shit down forever
so get out of my face with this art shit, motherfuckers,
but
uh
in my dogshit dream
okay
it started getting super artsy-fartsy
which was no good
because
i felt myself fading
that spotlight started to dim
megashitting dogs started chewing their way out of people's torsos and mouths and rectums and what have you
like everyone had a "dog within" just waiting to get out
which i thought was stupid
my own little dog was eaten by one of the impotent campus cops, which i did not appreciate
so I started shitting on everything and everyone
like
the Big Me
the Big Self
the version of me you pay extra for at the drive thru that comes with fries and shake
the Big I
it-
i mean I-
finally showed up to teach everyone and everything how to take a proper fat shit
that
i dunno
i guess
like
that proper fat shit was so
just
massive
it
like
fucked up the gravity or something
'cause now we are all
and i mean everything
are drawn into orbit around the proper fat shit i just took
this part was kinda cool and kinda stupid at the same time
like i like a cool special effects sequence
but it just
it just got so massive at the end
it was no longer about me
it was my fuckin' dream to start with
but now i'm just obliterated along with everyone and everything else
that proper fat shit just uproots the whole surface of the planet
a clean scrape
and slingshots away out into space
well,
y'know
you gotta have a big action finale
i guess
i guess
i'll live
i'll have other dreams
it's fine
-it just got so stupid
when it was just supposed to be a simple dream
i dunno
i'm over it, now, but i was all fucked-up about it for awhile
